out of my mind

i initiate a break up with him last night... ended up like a cry baby... forcing myself to leave him because i dun wan him to change for me cos i never change for him.... yet i realise i'm wrong... i did change unknowingly..... and there is nothing wrong with a person changing for another in a relationship.... i'm out of my mind.... i didnt know that how much he did for me until yesterday.... i'm just being too selfish wanting him to go back to himself... and most of all, i wanted to be who i am before i met him.. but i realise i cant.... i'm too impulsive in my decision....
i knew that my aunts cant accept him... and instead of overcoming this problem. i choose to ran away.....
all this while i have being thinking of cat.... not sure why, but he is the one who i think of when ever i face problem... even when i'm facing the war last tuesday, i thought of him.... i fear that he will know.... i fear that he will leave....
who do i really love????
stupid qn...
right at this very moment, i can say i'm very greedy...... i love bear yet i wanted to be with cat.... cos i know if i'm with cat, i wont feel so stress.... we will be able to strive for our work and dreams together at the same pace at the same things whereby for bear, he is just too far away for me to catch him up... both bear and cat care abt me... in a very different way... they let me do anything so long a i'm happy.... they never throw temper at me before even when i did throw temper at them unreasonably.....
with cat around i know one thing for sure.... he dosen't need to change anything at all.... cos he seems to be so so so prefect already...

i'm jus too greedy and too unreasonable...... i'm just so weird and i duno why.....

wondering

just now a friend sms me to go out for a drink next week... it was then that i know she knows too much of me.... those hurting part as well as those personal things.... it make it wonder.... can friends be really trusted? this cause me to be over sensitive... went to ask another friend of mine who knows this issue.... for this i apologize, sorry.... and i should said, those two friend are my close sec sch friends... can trust last long?
had gone through a very difficult... this week seems like so difficult till i duno how to stand up. i duno how to be strong again... i use to be able to hand all problems, and after a cry, i'll be alright... no matter how hurt it will be, the next day i'll be able to put up the smile and face the brand new day start a brand new life again..... but this time, i'm really defeated.... i duno how to stand up... i duno how to face life... i duno how to be cheerful again.... no matter how hard i tried, i'll end up crying again.... lost count of the no of time i cried.... lost count of the no of time i break down and hurt myself....
i know what has being done cannot be undone... and even given another chance, decision will still be the same. but, why can i stand up just like last time? last time parent writing letter in NP, parent slapping me in the public, all sort of things i can be handle and face it but y this time round it seems so hard? i really dun have the energy le... thought of those foolish things, self harming again... and what is next? i dun dare to think of it
i really want my life to move on... but why does it seems so hard?
i want to be strong or even stronger... but what is it that is stopping me????
i want to dry my tears and smile again... but why is my face still so wet???

sicks....

prepared nicely for UBQIC phebitis presentation. ended up mc due to vomitting. irritated... pisssed.... duno why this few days had been so arghhhh.... duno how to explain my feelig... PMS maybe....

relationship??

nowadays, understood somethings from a relationship..... for me and his case, quarrel and argument dun need 2 hand to clap.... 1 hand also can liao...
understood his is tire from a day work... wanna pei him go home, end up he show me attitude..... piss off to the max and at the end of the day he can still ask me is it i'm angry.....
seriously me and him got communication problem....
arghhhhh....

hospital keep changing roster... i cant give cs roster.... worst part is they are wanting 2 weeks in advance... how to give.... seems like me fate with cs is ending soon just like me and him.....

tire... holding on

i'm so tire with hospital work... have a urge to throw letter just now... so damn irritated.... where got night shift whole night chatting on phone de.... if not will be inside the tearoom room sleeping or pantry eating.... actualise case for u, help u look after YOUR FALL RISK CUBICLE... so damn irritating... fifth nurse and ah ma and one junior all at your side, me and 1 my of junior at my side ony leh.... my junior and ah ma went for break, u can actually go in also and SLEEP.... your side heavy i nv say anything when all the staff at your side there le.... then when ur new case come? u are actually inside sleeping.... i have to write report, actualise ur case and look after ur fall risk cubicle.... dun you think u are too much.... when me and my colleague argue, you add oil... then when u do this to me, what can i do? just keep quiet because you are senior???

holding on my anger.... one day, i'll leave... because of the unfair treatment..... why b can go venipuncture yet me and jessie didnt get a chance to go? y go, i have nth to she... she can perform... but why me, jessie and b all almost have the same performance, she get to go we dun... and since the very beginning i already told sister i'm interested for V&C course liao.... .... is that fair for us? want to send send all ma.... why send 2 and left me and jessie behind... b already v papaya le.... now with V&C..... arghhhhh... trust me, i'll never ask her to set the plug or take the blood de.....

just want to release it out

5 more days and we are 3 months le...... feel so blessed to be found by you..... yet feeling so stress out because of the objection..... working is already draining me le... with u around u added on my happiness and at the same time stress....
didn't really let u know abt my aunt objection cos u have ur own things to stress abt....
but pretending nothing happen when i see u, i feel so fake.... i feel i'm so useless....
unable to sleep in the night.... worry that next day cant wake up and that same time thinking of solution to the problem... how to let my aunt agree with this relationship...
choose to attend sec sch friends gathering because dun want to face ur family....
choose to run away yet i know i can't run far....
dun want u to put to much hope in us yet don't want to let you go....
u put me in the 1st position yet i didn't.... someone had taken up the space 1 yr ago, but i know is only one sided.... i just so stubbornly dun want to let go....

why am i so stubborn?
why must i be so strong?
i duno.... i dun want ppl to see the weaker side of me....
i dun want ppl to know that i'm a cry baby.........
maybe because my aunt expect alot from me and i want to reach a level which i know i can never reach.......

in hospital, cecilla left us le.....
in cold storage, janis left us le....
all the "senior citizen" leaving one by one......
aisha leaving soon.... follow by christine......
will i survive in hospital?
cold storage cashier are getting lesser, and hiring those that r haizzzzzz de.....
can i control my temper and continue working in that environment(cs)?
will i be able to take the stress in the hospital?
i dun have must confidence in that.....

life

finally got back my internet after having some problem with setting up....
2 week never use my lappy online le..... haha....

this few weeks had being busy working working and working.... furthermore had to care for my aunt more... cos my aunt says since i have him, its like my soul is taken away also.... sense her care and concern.... trying my best to balance up my timing, giving her more time.... but this week seems so hard... called her yesterday.... ended up crying due to her hurting words..... ho much i wish to tell her, although i'm in a relationship, i still wants her to support... although there is a big age different, but, i'm just thinking that so what we are together.... we might not end up getting married also ar.....

sometimes i wonder did i make the right decision anot.... by deciding to be with him till now..... i still feel so suffocated.... not by him, but by my aunts.... be it fourth aunt or baobei....

this week i'm working like siao.... mainly because i duno how to face him... i dun wan to let him know what i'm going through now.... he has enough of family problem need to handle le.... i can add on to his burden.... and most importantly, i dun want to cry in front of him..... hahaahaa... i screwed up my this week roster again....... woohoohooo..........