my body is aching

arghhh.... today my 3rd day morning shift and i'm like collapsing le.... worst worst then working 3 full shift in cs.... being pass over shit work, finish picking up the shit, end of shift, all my own work haven done yet.... arghhhhh....
working with MIP is really irritating.... everyone is busy, so am i... why must u come and irritates me and turn back say i throw temper.... if u see how i throw temper in yoshi and cs last time, u will know what is my real temper is... irritated...
working and working... christmas coming.... looking forward towards christmas eve:) wahahaha.... looking forward for it....
even through many things happen to me, but i'll be strong.. i'll continue be strong and even stronger to look forward for new life....

troubled

realise i got myself into trouble again... wondering.... why...
i just feel so tire of working and living in this kind of life....
arghhhh.... i need to learn to be strong....

updates...

wow... ever since i have my iphone, i really neglect my macbook for almost one month wor...
so long didnt update my blog also liao...

life seems to be fine and peaceful... getting use to the current life..
although currently some problems arise again, but it will be over tmr(hopefully)
tire working with all the foreigner.... be it cs-PRC/ ttsh-MIP..
some are good but some are really nasty... esp ttsh... arghhhh i cant stand it... arghhh
thinking that u r senior doesn't mean that u r really senior.. wants perfects things to be passed over to you yet you are passing over rubbish to others...

life is full of ups and down... but from all the downs, learn how to stand up from there...

i just wonders why are u behaving that ways.... ur actions puzzled me... but this time round i'll not turn back... i gave up.. i'm tire... and i can't be bothered..... no one will know if u dun explain...

ending

marking the end of a relationship a few days ago....
sms-ed him to end it totally..
i dun wan to continue to feel like hanging in the air....
this time round i didn't cry..
he blame me for not thinking of his feeling... but has he think of mine? is he around when i need him the most??? does he know how i feel after that?
heard from someone that he came down cs last night but i was away for awhile... suddenly i wanted to see him so badly... but i stop.... i know since i ended it, i should end it clearly... i'll stay strong... i'm not looking forward a new relationship at this very moment... just want to be alone.....

had my hair rebond and cut my fringe.... look weird... but will get use to it soon ba i believe......
start to have a cough again... this time round, feel so breathless and tightness.... arghhhhhh..... hope i'll get well soon...
D&D this sunday... wohooohoooo

V&C course

or ya, something to be happy about... i'm going venipuncture and cannulation course liao:) after much much much insisting, my ward sister finally slot me into one of the day liao... wahahaha... 3dec i;m going for the course..... 3 dec... reminds me of one of my grandma (my closest uncle's mother) death anniversary... 1997 till now.... i can still rmb how she dote me even i'm not her real granddaughter... i can still rmb how she is abuse by her own son(my uncle elder brother) i can never forget how she is being lock in the house with no gas to cook and my aunt has to buy food for her... she cant even get out of the house cause the gate is lock... although that son had passed away, but i'll never forgive him for abusing elderly.. and that son last day of funeral is my birthday a few years back..... time can wash away hatred... but in this case, it just seems hard to forget..... it will just reminds in my heart.... maybe because i'm too young at that time and appreciate this grandmother alot ba....

the power of song....

listening to one song just now.... somehow a few drop of tears flow down...... lyrics very true...
在愛裡連真心都不能給 這才真正的可笑
well, the status i'm in now is just a status.... true fact is its just like being single.... freedom is what i get.... no more reporting, lesser sms.... peaceful life... the sad period s over le.... the holding on period is over le.... today u came cs... my mind seems more calm le... no more sadness. no more feeling of wanting to cry.... instead i feel like ending it totally.... and i know something for sure... i will not cry like what i did last time... how funny it is.... ur mum came in the morning and then u know that i'm working and u came in the night.... i already never tell u where i'm working and where i'm working.. but how come u know? so many other time i work and nv saw u, yet how come today so qiao, saw ur mum, and u came in the evening??? ur mum also seems like wanting to ask me something in the morning and i accidentally cut it off.... what is it? and u came in the evening, just saw me and walk off...we seems like stranger now..... further and further we are drifting... maybe ending it dun even need to say ba.....

now i'm just living a peaceful life... (touch wood first) quite smooth also:P haha... both work seems like going quite well except for occasionally fu..ing customer and patient:)
life going round with working working and video and my aunts:)
next week will be slightly more busy with EOL(end of life) course, ade chalet and xinyi kite flying... the bad part is chalet and kite flying timing crush a bit... haiz... shall see how first...

after next week, i'll be free:) after next week i'll be re-bonding my hair, then cs few days full shift, then cs D&D:)
haha... and i'm getting night shift super often this few weeks... every week i have night... cool.... although a bit tire but thinking of the money (i dun mind actually:P) haha... jia you ba.. shuwan... i can do it de.. wahahah

anyway, to a friend-> thanks

just a thought of mine:P

my current location now typing this post is at my ward.... the ward i'm working in... looking after those "monkey" that will climb out of their beds....

so many things going on.. i'm so busy recently.... attending the ce training in the evening, morning working in cs... and there goes my 3 days off days... today back to work le...

back pain cum shoulder pain... am i getting older??? no more energy like last time... 1 full shift in cs is really killing me...

but i need the money... i need to save for my oversea studies 2 years later... determine. a 1 year study in perth to obtain my degree cert....

maybe i dun even have 2 years to save... maybe only 1 and a half year only... but no matter what, this time i'm determine to leave.

previously given the chance yet i refuse to go... now, i need to work hard to go.... weird me... maybe i realise that no point feeling bu she de.... no point staying behind for friends and work... they come and go... who will stay will stay... just like wingting, even she went oversea to study, whenever she is back, me and sinyee and her still can meet up and had endless chat... 12 years friendship... it can really last... no need to be physically around. jus like jia... we work tgt for 1 year? maybe even lesser then that... after she left till now, we are still as close....

if a friendship is meant to last, it will really last...
if a friendship that is fragile, no matter how hard one try, it will goes as the time passes by.....
no matter how one wish to salvage that friendship, it will not be back if it meant to leave.....
no need extra effort... no need frequent meet up... this is what i learnt from sinyee wing and jia:)

wondering

i also never eat bao today... but i 'bao' one case..... today's case is quite different from the previous few case that i pack.... although death is expected within a few days for this patient, i see how their family family react when the news is announce to them... breaking down... seeing body over and over again.... life is unpredictable and even those that are sort of expected de, it is hard for them to accept....

anyway, that's work....
wondering what's in your mind...
what are u thinking?? ur action give me a lot of question marks...
even if the question is unsolved, i'm still very contented with what was given to me....
thanks.....

arghhh... tire

now is already 3am.... later working at 7am... dun dare to sleep... scare over slept.... arghhhh.... so tiring... 10 days straight work... its killing me.... upside down... back ache like no body business... anyway, he is back from reservist liao... is it a good news????
one more thing.... cat in thailand finally reply my e mail le... at least i know that he is safe.....
this 2 weeks had turn me back into more independence le.... stronger too:) but also with alot of regrets.......

life shall move on the same as it is now...... be it good or bad, i'll not drop anymore tears....
i'll be strong and life goes on.....

before sentencing death to someone, really appreciate if u can let the criminal know what crime they make....

????

trying hard... but still hoping that we can talk...... arghhh

so tempted

SO TEMPTED TO GET MY IPHONE 4 BY THIS WEEK.... but only the black ones is available.... i wanted the white one...... should i wait???
working aimlessly.... so lack of motivation....
thanks to my ward managers who know i can't make it in am shift.... i only had 2 morning shift out of 2 weeks.... heehee....and i already make the request to off every friday.... and granted... hohoho.... at least for schedule and roster problem, its more or less settled liao...:)
was having the idea of moving out of hougang.... found a room in AMK... but ended up, its already rented out.. arghhh... zhao jiejie, y u rent out so fast de.... slow by 1 week.... never mind... i'll continue to look for room in AMK, Toa Payoh, or YCK area... at least its nearer to novena..... bishan??? if i'm lucky enough ba.....
cat is away now... he went to thailand for his ns.... jia you wor.... pray hard that he will be back safe and sound.... so dangerous there now..... anyway, he is a lucky cat... so everything will always goes well for him de:) jia you wor... my good friend:)

歌名:雨爱
歌手:杨丞琳


窗外的天气 就像是 你多变的表情 下雨了
雨陪我哭泣 看不清 我也不想看清
离开你我安静的抽离 无人揭晓的剧情
我的泪流在心里 学会放晴

听雨的声音 一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸像雨滴渗入我的爱里
真希望 雨能下不停
让想念继续 让爱变透明
我爱上给我 勇气的Rainie Love

窗外的泪滴 一滴滴累积
屋内的湿气像储存爱你的记忆
真希望 雨能下不停
雨爱的秘密 让你去延续
我相信我就 会看到彩虹的涟漪



so nice.... thanks to kaixin.... i got to know this song...

moving on......

finally can go back to cs and work le... so happy.... now my seems back to normal.... although it seems normal, but i know there is something missing... well.... it'll soon be forgotten de ba:)..............

working working working is my priority..... any other things i'll just let it come and goes by itself.... no point insisting if its just one sided.....

he will be back this weekend... yah..... but i'll be busy working both days.... both day working both side..... hmmm.... i think he will be angry again like last week ba..... hmmmmm.... i shall see how first.... hopefully i will be able to apply for leave that day at least morning can pei him ba:P

my license is sort of secured......... but if anything happen to the patient, then most likely it will only be a sentinel event and/or coroners' case only..... but the phobia is still there... nightmares, phobia, stress.... all of this is what i'm facing right now..... hopefully i'll get over it soon and stand up again ba.....

just a message for you... i'll follow your wish... i'll not call or look for you anymore... but i just hope u can promise me something.... if u need a listening ears, i'm always 24/7 available.... hopefully u will see this message... and all the best in your studies:) when u finish the module POA, just leave that books in cs ba. PLS DUN MISUNDERSTAND, its just that these books mean alot to me... and i really hope those will help you in your studies first... jia you wor................

at risk???

ytd took over shift... one of the patient become very ill the previous shift... too over and i continue management.... ask dr if i can insert the NGT cos i haven give any med since morning for this pt... Dr AGRee... but, the insertion wasnt a success.... it went into the lung instead of the stomach... dun ask me why. we did the procedure step by step... NO SHORTCUT.... what was lucky is the pnumothroax was found even before we insert the NGT... but then, dr seems like putting all the blame on us... was questioned... tonight will be my first night shift yet they wake me up as ask me to go down to see them.... woke up at 10, now is 330 le, how to sleep.?? haiz... just hope that this pr is fine and will get well soon ba.... if not my license will be at risk liao lor........

recently not sure what happen or what i did that upset this friend.... really bu she de... but i cant do anything now. i duno what i have done too.... blame me for so stupid and not sensitive of her ba.... really hope everything is fine.... just hope that i there is anything, pls let me know.... i'll be there de... and i really hope our friendship can be like last time..... i'm sorry.....

life is going back normal

at least today my life seems to be really back to normal.... able to eat a proper meal.... able to bring myself to smile during work.... and finally one day not crying.... past few days had being crying for some/ no reason.... but at least today seems normal already... and i'll be strong... life goes on... no matter what...
decided to let things remains as it is....
if something is meant to end..... no matter how hard we tried to continue it, there is no point.....
but when things are meant to be continued, how hard we try to end it we can't....
so shall let things remains as it is.... and no matter what is the outcome, i promise myself... i'll be strong and face the reality... will not hurt myself anymore.... will not regret anymore.... just let it come and goes by itself ba... will not purposely provoke it, will not cold room it either:P

yea.... tmr finally can go back cs and work le.... i will be back my own self.... i'll be back to he cheerful gal... chatterbox... i'll be back to who i am. what has past has past. what has being done cannot be undone. all i can do is learn from the lesson and not make the same mistake again...
i need to be strong... i cant give up as there are ppl who still have high hope on me...

yes.... SHUWAN IS BACK TO NORMAL SELF..... its time to let go of the past...its time to look forward and not backward anymore le... gambateh....

out of my mind

i initiate a break up with him last night... ended up like a cry baby... forcing myself to leave him because i dun wan him to change for me cos i never change for him.... yet i realise i'm wrong... i did change unknowingly..... and there is nothing wrong with a person changing for another in a relationship.... i'm out of my mind.... i didnt know that how much he did for me until yesterday.... i'm just being too selfish wanting him to go back to himself... and most of all, i wanted to be who i am before i met him.. but i realise i cant.... i'm too impulsive in my decision....
i knew that my aunts cant accept him... and instead of overcoming this problem. i choose to ran away.....
all this while i have being thinking of cat.... not sure why, but he is the one who i think of when ever i face problem... even when i'm facing the war last tuesday, i thought of him.... i fear that he will know.... i fear that he will leave....
who do i really love????
stupid qn...
right at this very moment, i can say i'm very greedy...... i love bear yet i wanted to be with cat.... cos i know if i'm with cat, i wont feel so stress.... we will be able to strive for our work and dreams together at the same pace at the same things whereby for bear, he is just too far away for me to catch him up... both bear and cat care abt me... in a very different way... they let me do anything so long a i'm happy.... they never throw temper at me before even when i did throw temper at them unreasonably.....
with cat around i know one thing for sure.... he dosen't need to change anything at all.... cos he seems to be so so so prefect already...

i'm jus too greedy and too unreasonable...... i'm just so weird and i duno why.....

wondering

just now a friend sms me to go out for a drink next week... it was then that i know she knows too much of me.... those hurting part as well as those personal things.... it make it wonder.... can friends be really trusted? this cause me to be over sensitive... went to ask another friend of mine who knows this issue.... for this i apologize, sorry.... and i should said, those two friend are my close sec sch friends... can trust last long?
had gone through a very difficult... this week seems like so difficult till i duno how to stand up. i duno how to be strong again... i use to be able to hand all problems, and after a cry, i'll be alright... no matter how hurt it will be, the next day i'll be able to put up the smile and face the brand new day start a brand new life again..... but this time, i'm really defeated.... i duno how to stand up... i duno how to face life... i duno how to be cheerful again.... no matter how hard i tried, i'll end up crying again.... lost count of the no of time i cried.... lost count of the no of time i break down and hurt myself....
i know what has being done cannot be undone... and even given another chance, decision will still be the same. but, why can i stand up just like last time? last time parent writing letter in NP, parent slapping me in the public, all sort of things i can be handle and face it but y this time round it seems so hard? i really dun have the energy le... thought of those foolish things, self harming again... and what is next? i dun dare to think of it
i really want my life to move on... but why does it seems so hard?
i want to be strong or even stronger... but what is it that is stopping me????
i want to dry my tears and smile again... but why is my face still so wet???

sicks....

prepared nicely for UBQIC phebitis presentation. ended up mc due to vomitting. irritated... pisssed.... duno why this few days had been so arghhhh.... duno how to explain my feelig... PMS maybe....

relationship??

nowadays, understood somethings from a relationship..... for me and his case, quarrel and argument dun need 2 hand to clap.... 1 hand also can liao...
understood his is tire from a day work... wanna pei him go home, end up he show me attitude..... piss off to the max and at the end of the day he can still ask me is it i'm angry.....
seriously me and him got communication problem....
arghhhhh....

hospital keep changing roster... i cant give cs roster.... worst part is they are wanting 2 weeks in advance... how to give.... seems like me fate with cs is ending soon just like me and him.....

tire... holding on

i'm so tire with hospital work... have a urge to throw letter just now... so damn irritated.... where got night shift whole night chatting on phone de.... if not will be inside the tearoom room sleeping or pantry eating.... actualise case for u, help u look after YOUR FALL RISK CUBICLE... so damn irritating... fifth nurse and ah ma and one junior all at your side, me and 1 my of junior at my side ony leh.... my junior and ah ma went for break, u can actually go in also and SLEEP.... your side heavy i nv say anything when all the staff at your side there le.... then when ur new case come? u are actually inside sleeping.... i have to write report, actualise ur case and look after ur fall risk cubicle.... dun you think u are too much.... when me and my colleague argue, you add oil... then when u do this to me, what can i do? just keep quiet because you are senior???

holding on my anger.... one day, i'll leave... because of the unfair treatment..... why b can go venipuncture yet me and jessie didnt get a chance to go? y go, i have nth to she... she can perform... but why me, jessie and b all almost have the same performance, she get to go we dun... and since the very beginning i already told sister i'm interested for V&C course liao.... .... is that fair for us? want to send send all ma.... why send 2 and left me and jessie behind... b already v papaya le.... now with V&C..... arghhhhh... trust me, i'll never ask her to set the plug or take the blood de.....

just want to release it out

5 more days and we are 3 months le...... feel so blessed to be found by you..... yet feeling so stress out because of the objection..... working is already draining me le... with u around u added on my happiness and at the same time stress....
didn't really let u know abt my aunt objection cos u have ur own things to stress abt....
but pretending nothing happen when i see u, i feel so fake.... i feel i'm so useless....
unable to sleep in the night.... worry that next day cant wake up and that same time thinking of solution to the problem... how to let my aunt agree with this relationship...
choose to attend sec sch friends gathering because dun want to face ur family....
choose to run away yet i know i can't run far....
dun want u to put to much hope in us yet don't want to let you go....
u put me in the 1st position yet i didn't.... someone had taken up the space 1 yr ago, but i know is only one sided.... i just so stubbornly dun want to let go....

why am i so stubborn?
why must i be so strong?
i duno.... i dun want ppl to see the weaker side of me....
i dun want ppl to know that i'm a cry baby.........
maybe because my aunt expect alot from me and i want to reach a level which i know i can never reach.......

in hospital, cecilla left us le.....
in cold storage, janis left us le....
all the "senior citizen" leaving one by one......
aisha leaving soon.... follow by christine......
will i survive in hospital?
cold storage cashier are getting lesser, and hiring those that r haizzzzzz de.....
can i control my temper and continue working in that environment(cs)?
will i be able to take the stress in the hospital?
i dun have must confidence in that.....

life

finally got back my internet after having some problem with setting up....
2 week never use my lappy online le..... haha....

this few weeks had being busy working working and working.... furthermore had to care for my aunt more... cos my aunt says since i have him, its like my soul is taken away also.... sense her care and concern.... trying my best to balance up my timing, giving her more time.... but this week seems so hard... called her yesterday.... ended up crying due to her hurting words..... ho much i wish to tell her, although i'm in a relationship, i still wants her to support... although there is a big age different, but, i'm just thinking that so what we are together.... we might not end up getting married also ar.....

sometimes i wonder did i make the right decision anot.... by deciding to be with him till now..... i still feel so suffocated.... not by him, but by my aunts.... be it fourth aunt or baobei....

this week i'm working like siao.... mainly because i duno how to face him... i dun wan to let him know what i'm going through now.... he has enough of family problem need to handle le.... i can add on to his burden.... and most importantly, i dun want to cry in front of him..... hahaahaa... i screwed up my this week roster again....... woohoohooo..........

i use to believe......

everytime when i see friend around me got a boyfriend that is much older then them, i usually thinks that its ok... there won't be a age gap probelm.... when i see friends parent objecting their relationship, i use to tell myself, my aunt will surely wont object me if i found a boyfriend that is much older then me....
but i realise all these is what i believe... what i think.....
hmmm... with him already 2 months 15days le....
and i realise that there is a age gap between us....
till now, my aunt still object me going out with him... as in going out too often...
my aunt minds abt his size, his age....
nearly quarreled with bao bei just now.... because of him....
hurt so much....will we be able to stay together for long???
i can see that he put in alot of effort to lost weight....
i can sense that he really take my words seriously...
but will he really manage to slim down?
even if so, the other problem still can't be solve.... age gap....
how am i going to overcome it?
how am i going to convince my aunt in agreeing in this relationship?
just a 11 years different yet i feel much further.... and we look so big different also...
how much i wish i can be with him... yet i cant even convince myself.... how am i going to convince my aunts?
saw pig head at cs just now.... purposely work cos i know he might appear for expiry check... well he did... hmmm... duno how to describe the feeling.... appears very calm.... but still keep thinking thinking and thinking....

NEW LAPTOP:)

finally, i bought my macBook Pro liao.... after waiting for so so long... i finally bought it.... quite ex... but with 3 free things.... satisfy:)....still getting use to the new laptop...
most of the item is installed... just that a few function still figuring how to use it... haha... bought my laptop and a table on national day... that is my only free day out of my my 2 weeks AL ba.....
with him accompanying me the whole day.... heehee.... happy time.....

dinner with "MA"

ended work at 430 today..... planning for coming home and make good food for my aunt... ended up receiving sms to go eat dinner with him and his MA.... spoiling my plan irritates me....
who am i dating with???? him or his MA?
whats wrong with me????
why am i finding fault in him????

well... i know the main reason behind it...
i know i shouldn't
i know i can't
i'm just being unreasonable...
he may not know... he may never know....

is my sixth sense got problem or am i just thinking too much....
he claims that his MA like me alot
he claims that his MA wanted me to go back for dinner more often...
he claims that his MA very proud of me being his girlfriend
how true can t hat be.....
why i dun sense it.....

i'm just a bad gal that ran away from home...
i'm a bad gal that cos my aunt and my mum to quarrel over me...
i'm jus a jinx to my family...
i'm extra in cs... i'm extra in my ward....
i'm just extra in this world......

i just dun feel right now...
i just feel insecure
i'm just having mixed feelings....
maybe i'll be fine after a sleep...
maybe i will never.

working in progress.....

this is the first time i'm so freee when working in ttsh... well i have 4 empty beds... good luck to me ba...
anyway, the intention of being single is stronger and stronger... i have no time for him.... i can't cope having another person in my life... cant expect me to give up cs just because of him.... but then on the other hand, he is on and off so good to me..... feeling guilty, feeling regrets.... but there is nothing i can do at this very moment.... dun wan to disappoint him b4 his birthday dun wan to move forward to prevent myself from falling deeper...... what am i suppose to do???? i wonder....

what's happenng?

i duno what i'm doing or what i have done...
i duno if i should continue or i shpuld not.
i duno if i can tahan for how long more....
its tiring...
its irritating
its frustrating......

day 12

i do miss him uunknowingly....
wishing for his sms....
well.... comin back this saturday. hopefully everything goes well ba...


so tire tire tire with working yet i'm still slogging........

looking forward for my I PHONE and MACBOOK this month:)

sweet? phobia?

as what my title show.. i somehow try to avoid... yet when see him, i'm extreme happy.... brought a peach drink with gummy and chocolate drink.. target less then 3 months ba...

dun dare to put hope.
the more u expect, the more u get disappointed.
if can last more then 3 months, its a bonus.
if less then 3 month, just a experience ba...

at the edge

hahaha... living my life to the fullest this few day.. working cs and ttsh.. although tire, but somehow, i'm use to it.
ever since i clubbing life, i already convince myself that i'm not suitable for a relationship. not now.
although still have been gg out with cat, but now i'm no longer expecting tat much le...
but freedom life did not last.....
a guy(my regular cs customer from cs) came again last night...
he asked me for my number....
now i realise myself at the edge of a relationship again....
but something good is this time round is that this guy is not that old.... hahaha
well i realise i have phobia in stepping in the relationship liao... haha...
but this time i dun feel like stepping in le.. let this goes by nature ba.....

i hate u

Someone who i once like, at this very moment i hate him most. He play with words very well. but he doesn't know that words can hurt the most. why must he be so sarcastic? why must he have nothing better to do to text those things. how much i wish i had never enter into clubbing life. it does not belong to me.
in order to cherish my friendship, and hoping to enjoy the life girls around my age should have, i nearly lost a friend who is worth much more then that guy. i cried over this friendship, but i'll never cry over him... because i know that i'm wrong at my judgment again.....

working

this week was quite havoc week. tuesday went costa sand chalet. wed went uss.. haha... was real fun esp that Egypt ride... cool...
then ytd back to work liao... how much i hope i can no need to work.. can just have that kind of life everyday. later on going to work night shift again.... really dragging de lo....

just now went to ntuc to buy something... saw my kindergarden-pri sch close friend. weeling.. she hasn't change much.. was thinking so much on my way back. how chatter-box i am when i was young. gd temper also. but now? my temper so hot. but something for sure i know is i'm learning how to not throw out my temper. when ever i'm tire, now i wil just prefer to keep quiet.... haizzzzzzzz..........

i hope i can see him soon..... occasionally i'll still thinks of him. but the different now is i wont do foolish things when i miss him. although i enjoy doing those foolish things, but i know i have to put it to a stop. i don't want to get into deeper and deeper trouble until one day i regret.
got to go to sleep liao... good luck to me ba....

down.... up..... down

wow... 1 month plus never update liao.... haiz... who ask me to chiong for work so much...
cs is still the same.... short of cashier... so whenever i'm free i'll be down to work.... at times i realise that the more i work, the more i'll dun like someone... duno why... when we are chionging for queue, she went for break peacefully.. i need to change money, she also dun sense the urgency. with more then 30 pcs of $10 at 6pm, of cause i dun change $1o ma... but how i know by 730, those notes are totally empty..... haiz... shall not comment further... i need to enjoy working with her... i know i need to learn how to enjoy working with her... for some reasonsssss.

working at hospital is acceptable recently... manage to leave work earlier compared to last time.
although not having any big trouble working there and there is a increase in allowance, but the intention of leaving is still there....

after 2 years and 4 months after he left.. today he sms me again.... shock, happy, sad and angry... after waiting for so long, he finally sms me.... but i know, things are no longer the same le.... although he had given me the best... but that is past le... from the moment i lost the chain, i know things can nv be the same... but i had to say, for that 1 month, i really enjoy working with him around....
things can nv be the same and will nv remains the same....

i seriously dun deserve this

like father like daughter. father demented. daughter PSY problem... shit daughter. cannot cope must vent anger on us meh. nurses dun deserve this ok. no wonder even renci also dun wan your father... need to handle your father tough enough le. still need to handle you.... f off la....
super piss off. out of 12 pt, i have 6 DIL ill patient le... still have to face this shit like YOU....
trust me.... one day i'm going to shout back at you just like the way u shout and scream at us.. trust me, i'll give back to you DOUBLE....

what happen if a close friend hide something from you for very long time and u only heard abt it after 1 yr later... i duno what to say... i duno how to continue to talk to her anymore. to forgive a person is not a easy job especially to someone whom u trusted so much hide something that is so important from me. how much i wanted to confront her. but i can't because i know it will make things worst. how much i wish to pretend nth happen yet i cant because i cant bring myself to contact her again.... to trust a friend need so much time... but to destroy this trust, it only need one lie... for her, just to hide something, i think she had use many lies to covered up...........

weird weird me

someone piss me off that day i work full shift. act clever. told him to wait but he think he very old bird. do on his own. i hate this kind of ppl. serve him right if he get into trouble.

this few days had been sms cat.. duno why more frequent then normal. and every time will have something that can make me smile.... crazy me.... trying his best to suit my time, at the same time i'm trying to make sure not to forget the timing he set it as free... i'm nuts de...

although ocassionally i'll still think about you. still wish to see u everytime i work in cs. but i know very well that not seeing u is good for me.

will be organizing a buffet again. will you appear? i duno. but will still invite u. whether u turn up anot is up to u.

my status now is single but not available. no one else can enter:) i'm satisfy with the current status even though it means i have to wait. sometimes i may complain. sometimes i will feel like giving up and find a new one.. but i know at the end of the day, i'll choose to wait.... crazy crazy crazy me.....

thoughtss

today met up with fourth aunt. she pass me a pic of my grandma funeral. i was 4yr old then.
have many wild thoughts after seeing that pic. will my grandma be proud of me being a nurse? how nice will it be if my grandma is still around. i envy those with grandma around them... i have none... oh, have one god-grandma.... my father de god ma... but i still miss my grandma... for all i can rmb, she really very dote me de. always carry me even when she is ill.

today i get confirm le. sis lim give me the appraisal to sign.. shld i be happy? i duno... but feel so tire of working life.... every day nth but work work work.... feel so meaningless. yet i cannot dun work also. feel so emo now... for whatever reason la. realise that working had make me change in my temper...

to xy, i'm sorry...
to jj, promise i'll give more time out to go out tgt de

after cny, will start giving a serious thought of finding a higher pay job le.... haha

at the verge of giving up

today start work... hoping can go home by 1015... looking forward....
but i'm wrong.. 4 empty bed given to me.... then come the admission one by one.. at the end of the shift, all 4 empty bed is occupied.. 1 drug abuse. 1 anemia. 1 TB, and the last one asthma.
second time i cried... today is too busy until i cried. asthma patient suppose to go the other team since the management ppl planned to put in other team de. end up due to bed not ready, the clerk say put in your bed 89 can. i jus look at her, up to u lor. and i walk off. i have 1 blood transfusion gg on, thart time was 815 and i was still serving medcine, none of my report is done. wtf is this.
well, tonight i ended with one eHOR, 1 transfusion that cannot finish and never prepare new admission tmr de medicine. i wasted one unit of platelet. the platelet didnt went into the pateint. its not connected also. i feel so guilty. i feel so stress up. ppl out there asking for blood donation and here i am, wasted 1 unit of platelet. i feel so tire being a nurse. the feeling of giving up is growing stronger and stronger in me. one day it will get too big for me to control and that will be the day i tender and resign le....

some updates after MIA

realise that so long never update my blog le... so many things happen, so many changes... keeping to myself...
today i think should be able to release it all ba..

my life routine is still the same... work work work.. free time only out with 2 grp of friend... one is cat and the other is my cs clicks...
last thursday wen out with sec sch friend... once so close yet feel so far now... she is not is only one that i feel drifting away la.. but she is the one that i feel sad for drifting away... she accompany me when i just left my hse.. my lowest nights she is there.... now it seems like we are from 2 diff world.... her thinking, my thinking... haiz.... the gap is so big... within 3 years....

working life is tough esp when holding not only one job... the more i work in cs, the more i wanted to be back to normal life... holding only one job. but i know it is impossible.. whenever i step out of cs, i will think of when is my next working day... what is wrong with me? i duno... start to feel more and more irritated working in cs with those ppl. but... there is something that hold me tightly over there.... the more i work, there are more ppl i dislike. is it really my short temper problem getting worst?

working in hospital is even more worst.. morning shift stress over timing.. always scare that i'll be late... then afetr that stress over wok... endless work to complete... afternoon shift stress over what time i can finish my work... although i'm getting more use to this kind of life, but also realise life is so unpredictable. patient come and go... planned for home, or just waiting for time to come... those i still can accept... but abt those that come in very ill, then almost fully recover le, went for procedure, come back le suddenly left? till now, almost 3 weeks had past, but i still can't get over it. she is the one that i do admission, from very ill to fully alert, able to talk, when for operation. before i go off in the night still can say goodbye to me, next day i mc, then my off day,... went back to ward, recieve the news that she past away 2 hours after she say goodbye to me. how can it be... how can i accept this...
till now, i'm still very emotional to some of my patient... i still need some time to get over this....
then my luck recently so GOOD... patient fall purposely, patient handphone lost, patient complain abt me... omg... whats going on.....

think i had complain enough and release enough le.. time to go sleep le... tmr starting of the week, hopefully things will be better for me ba

tireee...

one week AL gone.... has being at cold storage 7 days out of 9 days AL cum off days and Rest day i spend full shift at cold storage.... so tire yet so fun. at the same time alot realise mummy really dote on me alot. even though its my fault, she will not scold me.... i'm feeling being spoiled in cold storage... with mummy, christina... and etc etc.... now they are really down with cashier... really wanted to help but then nursing side hour too difficult.. ytd and today night, next week night shift again... feel so tire le..time to sleep....

anyway, wish my cousin all the best (seems like he found someone he like de liao) wahahahah)...

a brand new year?

saying goodbye to 2009, thinking back, my best year so far since i move out ba:) travelled to 2 countries, celebrates my 21st.
now its 2010.... hoping that brand new year will be smooth ba.
anyway, heard that someone was caught having secondary employment in my ward. start to worry abt my job.. anyway, i more month to go before i get confirm... so shouldnt be a problem ba... hope everything will go smoothly....
feel so tire after 1 round of night but can u imagine, i'll be have 3 round of night within this 4 weeks? OMG... THREE ROUNDS... going to get killed by the workload.