just wanting to vent my anger and unhappiness

why must u hide things from me? sometimes i just wonder, am i really that useless? after trying for so hard to please you, u still unhappy with the hard work that i had done. my standard is always not up to your standard. everytime i look forward for you praise, i end up with listening to the complain that u had. i try very best to make it as clean as possible, but..... almost 3 years le. i never hear any of you praise. yes, i'm lazy, i like to sleep. but thats all because i'm too tire. trying to earn more so that i dun have to get money from you. Trying to earn more so that u will not be worry about me not enough money to use. trying very hard yet effort not recognize and the worst part is u dont trust me... hiding from me and i feel so sad..... suddenly i feel like i'm in a world, with full of people around me yet i can't share 100% my happiness and unhappiness. whenever i feel like telling u abt my unhappiness, u will just make me shut up by saying u don't wan to talk. am i really a irritating person to you? do u know how much i had feel like giving up.

i can't even call u now. well. fine. i shall be on my own. i'm really very disappointed. i can't blame u at all. this is the path i had choose and u are already kind enough to let me stay with you right. all i ask for is can u just show some concern to me. is it really that difficult?
if i do silly things again, will u know? will u notice? will u ask? i doubt so..

PRCP....NIGHT SHIFT IS NIGHTMARE

haha... time really flies...almost 3 weeks never update on my life le... really no time.. I'M LACK OF SLEEP... serve me right actually. giving yoshi so many days.. still have cold storage and prcp...
anyway, i'm done with my 2 rounds of 3 nights shift... my second round can say is a torture cause helen is not with me.. can say i'm quite lost. and i'm torturing myself by working my part time job after my night, end up sleeping less then 5 hours for te continuous 3 days... so can imagine how tire i am le ba... haiz....

i start to regret alot of thing in my life.
things that i shouldn't do.
things that i never cherish,
things that i should have done
decision that i should have make,
if life can restart with just a button like a machine, will life be better for me?
when u want something so badly, u got it, but u wont know how to cherish it, how to make good use of it, what is the purpose of having it? what is the purpose of fighting for it so hard in the beginning?

i miss alot of people... mrs mona, u are one of them.. everytime i think of u, i regret. i should have make a point to meet up with u just as what i had promise u. but i didnt make it. and u didnt wait for me either. u just left without even seeing me in my nursing uniform. 2 years+ had past. i still miss u badly. i still want to thanks you for all the encouragement u had given me. although i wont be able to see u again, but i;ll remember all the encouragement words u had said. and in a few month time, i'll be a full pledge nurse already. although life maybe tougher then now, but i;m prepare. i know that u will be proud of me. i know u will be smiling. mrs mona, i'm finally going to make it.. although there were so many times i had wanted to give up, so many times i feel like dying, but i'm going to make it. thanks mrs mona.. i miss u and u will always be remembered

i so stress by all the people asking me for schedule... excuse me, i'm a human.. stop asking me for schedule schedule schedule... i need time for myself also...

got to go now liao.. or else it will never stop....

am i thinking too much?

well.... disappear for quite sometimes... nothing much happen ... as usual, work work prcp prcp..
did my first round night and well quite fun and quite torturing also..
as for cold storage, nothing much also.. something happen and were quite shock... and yea.. there are a number of new comers...
as for yoshi, sometimes i just wonder and u guys trying to stress me by asking me for schedule so tight that i resign automatically? that is the kind of feeling they gave me la... haiz...
shall end here and go to sleep liao... all the best wor cindy, connie, lishan adeline and yun ru... i miss all of u badly...
i lost my phone recently... could everyone just sms me and kindly tell me who u are... thanks

i miss my phone

when i had my phone with me, i always think that the phone is old, the paint had came off, i want to change my phone. now i had lost it... i realise i take it for granted... i had lost all the contact.for all the ppl reading this, pls sms me your number.... i had problem waking up without my phone also... although jia lent me her spare phone but still.... haiz....

everyone wanting my time... cold storage, yoshi, where i can find so many timesssss for you all.... haizzzzz.....

working like nobody business... stressing myself out... i'm thinking negatively again... negative thoughts flooding into my mind now.... do i make a different in the world??

is fate always making fun of people?

for the pass 2 days i'm off... thursday night work in yoshi and friday night work in cold storage. well, i'm shocked by the news john is taking over great world city again... really very shock... why must he tale over? my plan is just to get the certs and leave... 6 dec, the day i join 3 years ago will also be the day i resign 3 years later... but his sudden appear as area in charge again make my decision change again... yes AGAIN... my friend might be scolding me stupid now, but again.... i'm emotional... the only thing i bu she de in yoshi is the happy time that i once had working with managers like john, eileen, geraldine edwin and once how... not forgeting chito too.... those are really happy times that i can never experience again... now, only left geraldine and john is in yoshi and it is impossible to work with geraldine happily like last time anymore... and the main thing is ..... i....... haiz.....really hate to say... haiz....
anyway, i can see that sharon really dislike me... but who cares.....
last thursday working in yoshi is really torture... i'm giving 2 and a half hour de mailers and scrubbing the floor using a small sponge.... and i only serve i think 5 customer only... did they purposely do it or what? i duno la.. but i'm pissed...
i find myself so stupid... why should i stay on just because of .... i'm so unhappy and store in charge dislike me, i might as well leave right..... haiz... lets see how first ba....

last night work cold storage... yeah... tally again... although abit not happy in the later part., well, being able to tally is enough for me le... wahaha....
i just wish that i wont always be the last one to do declaration...
i'm not the last one to finish counting, but why should i be the last one to declare? haiz....

i got to go attachment liao...... everyone who is having attcahment, jia you wor.....

unknowingly, i fall in love with you...
unknowingly the feeling dies off...
now you are back again....
what should i do...
will i fall in love with you again?
i know i can't
i know you won't...
i know to you, i'm may just be a young sister...
but i just fall in love unknowingly...

my day off.....

this week the rooster is really good... i off on last sat and sun.. then monday PH... then tues and wed am shift.. then tmr and fri off day... sat PM, sun AM.. although weekends need to work, but it quite balance la... work 2 days, off 2 days then work 2 days.... then next monday i request off... so off again... wow... such a nice rooster...
anyway, later will be going to yoshi to work again... although i feel really sianed... but no choice... got to tahan till i get all my certs.... haiz.... tmr cold storage... yeah yeah... another challenging day.... i love it... recently crazy over trying to balance....
oh... i'm back to hougang de house again... just moved back from my sixth aunt house ytd... and i miss shantel... the cute and adorable dog... shantel, i miss u....

PRCP killing me

omg... today went to the ward... the ward is so so hot la... sweating like nobody business.....
NYP YR 3 student nurses ordering us around doing parameter....

yoshi.... working this sunday 10-4.... so many things need to do... so many things need to clarify.... i'm hating yoshi more and more.... one day, i'll just break off and had a quarrel.... just hope that it will be after 11nov....

gtg... goodnight

PRCP!!!!

wow... 9 hours from now i'll be in TTSH in my nursing uniform starting my PRCP(Pre-registration-consolidation-programme) so fast... everything seems too fast... years 3 le... going to graduate le....

sometimes i wonder am i the one who had change or people around me change... jus for example someone who i can be so close with last time now seems like a stranger to me. maybe i don't know you well when i first know you ba...

my life seems to go round within my work place... what am i trying to run away from? am i just trying to numb myself or am i really working hard for $$?

what i waited for might be a waste.

i going crazy soon. real crazy... real mad. for the past 6 months i in cold storage, i didnt resign yoshi... i had be trying my very best to give them schedule. even to the extend of once a month. reason is because i want the service excellent award... that is all i had being waiting for. but now, i might not have a chance to get it le... Aziz purposely hide it from me. called ronald in the morning and he told me that they throw away that memo already. then just say counter now no staff and ask me call back later... wth la.... what am i suppose to do? i so so lost and tire now... why had i wasted so many time in yoshi? why am i so stupid? later will be working agin. from 3-1030... just feel tire and i'm lost agin........ lost my directions again. how am i going to get my cert?
next week PRCP starting liao. how prepared am i?

finally updated

well, i'm really too too busy with my work and too crazy with my work until i don't have the time to update my life at all.
my 6 weeks attachment is finally OVER... now i'm "ENJOYING" my holiday....
during this few weeks, so many things happen until i really duno to start from where. haiz... my attachment ended with a surprise grade. didnt expect myself to do well in 11B. but the result came to me and i'm shock... anyway, thanks CI... and my PRCP attachment is out. i'm posted to 7C... i wonder will i be able to perform there... i'm still o fear again.... the fear of starting all over again.... haiz...
next is working... havent been going back to yoshi to work for almost 1 month le... and tmr i'm going back... haizzzzz... and i'll be working at harbourfront.... where all the nightmares and disappointed started. agree to help out aziz. the GWC is now under sharon... and jay... omg la... then i really wonder should i go for the yoshi D&D anot... since i'm not getting the cert and there are so many people who thinks that i had resign and know that i had resign, what for i go right. HAIZZZZZ really hope that my PRCP rooster will save me from going to the D&D ba.
geraldine came to cold storage on monday afternoon. so surprise to see her. but the feeling is no longer so real. its so fake liao. haizzzzzz........

recent updatessssss

wow... unknowingly, i havent being posting for almost 1 month... oh no... shall update more tonight... this few weeks is full of happiness and unhappiness sia... and i'm so so busy and tire... still the same... i'm putting my concentration mostly on attachment and cold storage... yoshi? keeping but didnt give any schedule. shall update more on what happen recently tonight ba...
need to go off to attachment again liao

myself?

i hate times when i'm having mood swing... i'm not having PMS ok... i'm jus duno why... just feel so moody... feel like having someone to chat with but can't find anyone... so many problems trapping inside me.... family problem is really suffocating me.... how much i wish i can go to a place where no one knows me and start all over again....
I"M CRAZY.... i will be working in yoshi this thursday... when i not working, i feel very bad.. so i gave them schedule.... but when i give them schedule, i feel like slapping myself... i feel so so stupid....
am i too noisy? am i too hyperactive? am i too fake? can someone tell me? maybe a quiet me will be better ba.....

I HATE MYSELF

WHY THINGS ALWAYS GOES THE WAY I DON'T WANT.. HAD A BAD QUARREL WITH MY PARENT AGAIN... YES, AGAIN... AND ITS EARLY IN THE MORNING.. AND THE ISSUE IS OVER MY SISTER AND HER BABY... THEY BLAME ME FOR INFORMING AUNTS... BUT ITS IT A OCCASION THAT IS WORTH SPREADING THE NEWS ISN'T IT... BUT THEN I GET A HELL LOTS OF SCOLDING OVER THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING... OF COURSE CRIED LE... THEN NO MOOD WORK, LONG QUEUE SOME MORE... HAD BEING WORRYING WHAT IF MY PARENT CALLED COLD STORAGE,.... WHAT IF THE GO DOWN AND FIND TROUBLE FOR ME,.... WHAT IF THIS WHAT IF THAT... I HATE THIS LA... I LEAVE YOSHI PARTLY IS BECAUSE OF THIS, THINKING THAT IN COLD STORAGE I CAN START ALL OVER AGAIN BUT I THINK ALL THIS WILL END SOON....
WORKING IN COLD STORAGE FOR 5 MONTHS LE. SO MUCH OF HAPPINESS AND UNHAPPINESS LA... BUT REALIZE THAT I CAN LIVE HAPPIER WITHOUT YOSHI.... START TO WORRY WHAT IF THOSE THINGS REALLY HAPPEN? I HAD TO RESIGN AND START ALL OVER AGAIN? HOW MUCH MORE ENERGY HAD I LEFT? TODAY AT COLD STORAGE ALTHOUGH I STILL VERY NOISY AND HYPERACTIVE,BUT ITS ALL JUST FOR SHOW. JUST TO FINISH MY SHIFT, EAT AND THEN GO HOME. TODAY I JUST FEEL LIKE BEING ALONE......
I ALWAYS TRUST THE WRONG PERSON YET I STILL DUN CHANGE... U ARE NOT WORTH MY TRUST AT ALL....
I HATE MY LIFE.... WHAT IS THE USE OF LIVING IN A LIFE FULL OF HATRED, REGRET AND UNHAPPINESS.....

I WANT TO COMPLAIN

EVERYONE GETTING THE SAME $10 per day.... BUT WHY AM I KEEP DOING FEEDING TURNING FEEDING TURNING AND U ALL GET TO DO SUCTION AND INSERTION OF NGT
ITS MY CUBICLE AND I SHOULD BE THE ON DOING RIGHT.... I PREPARE ALL THE THINGS THAT IS NEEDED FOR NGT INSERTION AND YOU JUST NEED TO SAY I HAVEN'T DO BEFORE CAN I DO AND I HAD TO LET YOU DO... BUT WHEN U ARE DOING SUCTIONING, I'M BUSY FEEDING... ITS NOT FAIR LA....MY CUBICLE GOT 4 NGT FEEDING... ONLY ONE DAY WHEN CI IS ARD U CAME OVER TO HELP.... ALL OF THEM ARE SO HYPOCRITE... WHEN CI IS AROUND, SO HELPFUL, WHEN CI NOT AROUND U ALL ARE JUST HELPSELF OR RATHER HELPFOOL... I HATE THIS GROUP..... WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO COMPLETE ALL MY SKILLS WHEN I'M ALWAYS STRUCK AT FEEDING? TMR MIGHT BE HAVING 5 NGT LIAO... OMG... NEW CASE STROKE AGAIN... I DIDNT GET TO DO NEW ADMISSION... WAS ON BREAK... I'M JUST SO SO UNLUCKY...

well, quarrel with my mother again.... how am i going to take it? 3 pm shift and 2 am shift, how can i still go shop to tidy those rubbish invoice.... say house got chicken soup want me to go home drink... u all is want me to go home take order just say la.... I HATE U ALL....

i don't even know how to love myself... how can i expect others to love me? i'm just destroying myself recently.... i hope i can stop it soon....

tmr morning shift... trust me, i'll recieve alot of help from those HELPFOOL people... and i'm the fool who don't dare to speak up.....

I'M JUST FOOLISH

i just dun understand why are there backstabber
i dun understand why are there hypocrites
i feel so tire
after leaving the hse for 2 years plus le same things will still happen again
hoping for the best yet expecting the worst and when the worst came i break down... why must i be so weak.... why cant i be stronger
i trusted u and believe that u are the kind of sister that i longing for. yet again and again i'm being fool....
which word from u are true which ones are false i seriously duno... but i choose to believe u and u disappoint me again and again....
they got to know i working in cold storage liao... will history happen again? i duno...,
cried for 1 hour... wonder why am i so stupid....

i choose to believe u but u destroy all the trust... now all i can do is to put up a mask too....




well, so long never updates liao... first of all, my attachment started and it is so so tiring.... 8 hr of working is worst then full shift in cold storage sia... everytime now i keep thinking of NGT feedng, CLC charting and IO charting.... seriously going mad soon... next week still have to take case somemore.... haiz, prepare to die liao lor...
but still i'll jia you de....


to yunru, all the best in your performance tmr ya.... show us your best and we will show you our best too:P wahaha... good luck ar... heehee... really hope cindy and shan will come tmr too... wish shan get well soon ya...
well i got to go to sleep liao... good night


although things had happen, but i'll not let these thing stop me from moving towards where i want to go....

am i a human?

yesterday is my final paper for my poly life(provided i pass every thing this time) last paper was nursing management.... this time round is different.... NS5 paper is easier then nursing management.... common test was the other way round... anyway, should be able to clear everything la.....

next week will be the start of attachment liao... looking forward yet because was posted to neuro surgical ward again, still have a bit of worry la:)

now will be having a 6 days holiday before next week of attachment start... and today, i'm just torturing myself by working in 2 places... yoshi and cold storage... find myself really very foolish... hanging on to something hoping miracles will happen even though i know it won't....
so tire la... 11-4 at yoshi struggling over sales.... 5-10 at cold storage handling long queue.... 2 totally different environment.... but at least cold storage today long queue but still can handle not like those weekends long queue which is really endless..... haha.... yoshi sales is really cannot make it... then aziz ask me when i can work next week.... really feel like quarrelling with him, but hold on my temper... smile and answer to him that i duno... but the fact now is i dun give a damn liao... so bad.... but i can't always think of ours and make my life so miserable right....

so many thing that need to be done
- tidy my room
- take passport size photo
- wash clothes
- tidy up all my notes
- rewrite all the codes into a book( cold storage fruit and veg codes)
- have a weekly and monthly plans
- buy bus concession
- buy a bag suitable for work and attachment
- pay my phone bills
- buy voucher for my sister
- buy cake for my little monster birthday

conclusion is there are so so many things to be done and i don't have the time...

I need concentration

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO CONCENTRATE?

tmr is NS5 paper le and guess what?... i have been slacking since morning until now
yesterday research project presentation over le... yeah yeah.....

yesterday receive a sms from my manager in yoshi... ask me if can help to work.. feel so piss off... i hate the company even more liao...

exam period yet i had fall sick... bad block nose and feel so drowsy after eating chlorpheniramine..
well shall go to study le...

some updates

today tuesday le.... ytd the start of study week.... but still need to go back for extra lesson.... so so so worry abt NS5 paper.... haiz.....
this week working, cash shortage $11.90.... haiz.... careless sia..

tmr is research project presentation
this friday is my NS5 paper le...
this saturday 11-5 i'm occupied
next monday nursing management
next friday research project report
next next week onwards i'll be having 6 weeks attachment
haiz....

haizzzz

haiz... today national day... working working working as usual... 8-1030 shift.... super tire... long long long queue since morning till late afternoon.... NON STOP.... can die man.... then i saw this man wearing yoshi t shirt... the manager kind... then i look up and saw how... he never see me although i serve him.... start to think a lot after that....
then today is really draining me inside out.... i'll jia you de

wow

suddenly realise that so so so long i have been blogging... haha... busy with all those projects and free time is use for wawaing and sleeping...
projects that are done within this 2 week-> WPD, NS5, DDD,
one last sickening project to go and it will be my exam liao..... wow... studies life going to end in 2 week time.... after this 2 week, i'll be out for clinical attachment liao.... looking forward yet feeling like running away... haizzzz.... how am i gg to pass my ns5 sia... so so so tough and so much of thinking.....
well no matter what happen, i'll still continue to be strong and cheerful...
haiz... going to work liao...hope that the next time i blog will be somewhere sooner ba... haizzzz wish me luck ok and i'll be working very hard recently too... jia you ba everybody..... one last lap before PRCP le.... cindy, yun ru, ade, connie, lishan, jia you jia you wor....

although recently many unhappy things happen, but from it i really learn a lot... may it be family problem, project problem or personal problem, i seriously had change a lot... i'll jia you de.... i'll pass my exam and pass out as a RN de.... no matter what kind of life i choose, no matter what kind of career i want, i'll be strong and cotinue to work hard because i know that there are people with high hope on me and i seriously can't disappoint them because i know that i wont have the time to disappoint them... yaya....

yaya... i gtg liao lo... bye bye

going crazy soon

the time now is 2am in the morning. later i having lesson at 8am. NSL again.. but i still not sleeping. so many things that is keeping within me that i really going to burst already.
first thing first, want to congrat... NS5 video finally came to an end. really enjoy the videoing process. so much laughter... so much unforgettable scenes.
DDD individual assignment also ended... left the group poster presentation...
still have NS5 another presentation and WPD presentation....
then will be the NAPFA test... omg... cant imagine needing to run that sickening 2.4km again... haiz... then the rproj presentation
next will be the final exam,
then will be the RProj write up.
then will be attachment cum PRCP le...
so fast so fast....
today went back yoshi to work.... they hire 2 monkey... they are haiz... cannot make it type... but not my problem anyway. wahaha

who am i going to believe? what is the truth... a truth that i really want to know since i was young. till now the mystery is still not solve yet... i want to know the answer badly... i'm so afraid.... so afraid if my loves one leave me...

had been quite de-motivated again after the stupid DDD and till now still dun have any mood to do and finding... although start finding le, but hor... really like forcing myself... i'm not doing the best of best... what can i do? what should i do? i'm so lost...

do u know that everytime i called u, i want to tell you all my problem yet i'm so afraid i'll cry, i just keep it to myself and just say that i miss you... i really miss childhood time. where you care for me... when i just become independent, you will always call me to ensure my safety... but now, i really feel like i'm on my own. i always had to be cheerful and talkative ah gal in front of you. but, do u know that how sad i am. how much am i keeping to myself that i'm really going crazy.

from tomorrow onwards, i shall stop all the msn chatting and the online games... i'll be giving my very best in doing all the project.. giving my last and best shot.... i'll learn to be strong... tonight shall be the last night i cry to sleep.....i'll be strong and i have to be strong.

i dun understand

why must you all treat me that way?
asking me if i still working in cold storage? then say that you all have a plan for me... which means that i need to quit cold storage before you all can push me further... why must you all be so mean? saying that want to promote me yet i had to quit cold storage first... is it fair for me? last time how much i wanted that position and how long have i wasted? you all expect me to do that again? what do you all mean by i have POTENTIAL... PO your head... i dun need all this... staying in yoshi my main purpose is to get my cert and thats all. i dun want to get promoted... even if i get promoted so what? how much can you all pay? $4? $4.50? and how must more stress will i get? 50% more stress then now... need to stress over sales... with the amount of money you all paying me, i dun thing its worth it... look, at cold storage, all i did is cashiering only... at yoshi if i get promoted, what will i be doing? kitchen lobby and cashier... although at cold storage is much more busy, but at least not so stress. people duno how to appreciate people until they are abt to leave.. i admit, sometimes i still do miss yoshinoya, but ... there is no point for me to go back anymore le.... going back now is only for show... haizzz.


today went to meet gede for lunch(although i had eaten before meeting him, but i still eat went i meet him) omg.... i feel like i'm a pig sia.... meeting him reminds me of ube.... where is he now? haiz.... although no point waiting but the happy times we had with tiffany is really unforgetable de...

feeling tire now... but.... dun feel like sleep... tmr lesson at 8am... omg.... tomorrow will be my cousin graduation ceremony... so qiao, the brother and the sister graduation ceremony happen on the same day. seeing them graduate, i start to wonder will i be able to graduate anot.... everythings seems so far yet so near for me...

next week two of my friends will be taking their grade 8 piano... all the best yun ru and adeline... Vulpix and Psyduck jia you wor.... heehee

why must this happen?

yesterday my aunt had a chat with me and i'm actually quite upset.. haizz... i realise that no matter how hard i try, all my effort is wasted. shall not explain much on this as it will only upset me more...

anyway, will learn to be strong....
got to give up on work soon liao. exams coming... next week onwards i thing i can only work sunday liao... saturday need to study and revise for this major exam....

i feel so tire recently and i really eat alot... feel like pig sia... keep eating... and mood swing easily... PMSing is horrible de... no mood to do thing and can be very short temper.

my biggest challenge now is to finish up all my assignment... DDD and NS5 video, nursing management, WPD, research project
omg, all the assignment have so much weightage yet i really dun have the motivation to do.... haizzz... hope that all this will end soon

what is life?

what is life to me? working and studying
feel so sick of working non stop. and i think i'm really going crazy. i agree to help yoshi next week friday from 4-9.
what am i trying to do? why must i be so dumb?

i'm really testing my limit. knowing that i need more time to study yet i still agree to aziz when he called and ask me to help

one of my friend resign at cold storage... so sad lor.. i'm really so tire of working, both cold storage and yoshi. i wish i could jus concentrate on my studies. my studies drop so much this term. will i be able to make it for PRCP? i'll i pass out as a nurse? will i give up soon? i wish i could withdraw from the course... really duno what i'm studying... so tire....

goodbye...

feel damn sad today.... today will be her last day at great world city..... after today, aziz will be in charge of great world city le... geraldine had be transfered again..... to compass point. cry yesterday morning when i recieve her sms.... what's wrong.... why must yoshinoya keep on having reshufflement... really feel so sad..... although unhappy with her because of some other things, but i know, she cares for me. although she had disappoint me a few times, but... nothing can replace the happy moment... when the japanese say we got 100% for our service, the smile on her face and on john's face is unforgettable. seeing them feel so proud of the service, its really contended... now, great world city store in charge and area in charge will be aziz... feel so sad... no longer can i s.... with john, no longer can i continue working with geraldine. really feel so sad la. no longer can i work with geraldine and john.... yet i still need to leave my name in yoshi and i still dont want to go back to work, but now its aziz le... what can i do? what must i do?

when then can i forget about him? he had hurt me so much and is having a loving girlfriend now, how then can i forget? by forgetting about him, then i will be able to trust ppl again... because of him, i trust no man.... i dont like him, but i trusted him so much.... going to 9 months le yet i still cant get over it.

after today posting, i'll be going missing for some days because will be very busy with assignment liao... 10 page assignment... can die sia... will start finding information tmr and consolidate by next monday... hopefully i can finish it by time ba...

I WANT TO GIVE UP

only one word can describe my life recently. SIAN.. work work work and assignment assignment assignment... today saw CL again... feel so.. argghhhh... haizzzz. still ate with him during lunch time... really sian de la..

to say frankly, really feel like giving up in cold storage... the people there are nice, the work there i can handle, but i'm just afraid it will turn out to be second yoshinoya. will i get too attach to the ppl and work there to the extend that i dun want to resign after grad? i start to worry.... and can the people there be trust?? i start to wonder even more this week...
seeing that a few will resign soon, i feel real sad....maybe i should go also?

i'm too stress up over my school work.... so many thing i need to do yet i dun have the time and i dun have the energy to do so. if oi withdraw from nursing now what will happen? will i regret? for sure is my aunt will be very disappointed... haizzzz

stressful and tire

life had being super stressful... firstly the impact of failing 2 module common test out of 3 common test really make me feel like withdrawing from nursing... really want to give up.. what is the use of making myself so stress and tire?

then yoshinoya recently also the other problem for me. geraldine had been sms me for the past 2 day asking me when i can work next week... really duno how to reply her... feel so bad but when think back, i'm not at fault also what. if at the beginning you all know how to appreciate staff that work hard, things won't turn out this way le right...cuimin, mdm kho and me won't had left for a better job. i wonder what will happen if i still don't reply her.. will she hold my pay?

next week got 2 major assignment due...
WPD reflective journal, DD also due soon... must start le... 10 page report leh... furthermore i fail that module during common test... must really work hard on that assignment to pull up my mark...

next week onwards, every saturday will have remedial classes for NS5... feel like secondary school time wor... but really hope can get over that asap...

got to cut my working hours at cold storage liao... really need more time to focus on studies le...
btw, today $$ tally again... so happy...

yesterday took a bus and pass by my secondary school... i really miss secondary school time badly.. attending math lesson is the best... everything seems so easy... for physics class, i'll never forget Mr Tan Puay Eng saying "physics is so easy" POA class, Mr Lee(LKC) saying "POA is so logic.." Ms solastri class everyone so stress... i really miss secondary school time... if time can go back, i'll choose to go back sec sch time.

i wonder if time can go back to when i just enter nursing, will i still take the same path, choose to work and study at the same time or will i sign up bond? will i still be emotional and stay at yoshinoya?

i really regret choose to work at yoshinoya while waiting for o level result. if i had chosen a higher pay job, will i be so stress over $$ now?

find life is so meaningless. its just about work and studies... wanting to get good result and manage work at the same time... so tiree.........

time is the thing i need

right now, turning on my lappy wanting to continue my nursing management assignment. but my mind is now blank... result from being too tire ba....
yesterday early morning recieve miss call from cold storage... called back thinking that its was about the $ 50 missing other gift voucher. so i called back. but no la... they are asking if i can work yesterday night. but i say cannot because was planing to do the assignment.
but guess what... geraldine called and ask me to go help because japanese was in singapore and she really dun have anymore strong staff. mdn kho resign, cuimin thingy..... so she ask me to help. and what to do... i must be crazy and out of mind... i agree... i reject a $6/hr job and agree to work for $3.70/hr job. was so angry with myself. why must i be so emotional and why must i be so soft hearted.... i reach great world city and ronald pass me the payslip... why must i about to resign le then they will transfer me to great world city? i had been there for 4 months plus and they never bother to do a transfer from clarke quay to great world for me. nobody bother to ask. now i want to resign le then you all treat me so well. i don't need that.
i'm so happy at cold storage now. compare to yoshinoya, i rather stay at cold storage. yoshinoya people had hurt me so much. esp harbourfront and great world city. the scar is there and nothing can be done to make it heal anymore. trusting and waiting.... i dun have that much time to wait anymore. 6 more months left and this will mean that i can never be able to reach the level i want. so what for staying there. do you think i'll still believe you when you say that i'll get promoted to crew leader? i had given up hopes. i rather choose something where i can earn more within this 6 months..... and i'm glad i did that because i get to know someone of the same kind from cold storage....
gotta continue my assignment liao... hope i can finish by tonight ba,......

OMG>>> SCHOOL STARTING>>>

2 week of term break had ended... yeah.. "TERM BREAK"... what have i done during these 2 week? practically nothing la.... working, projecting....
feel so lifeless recently... nothing seems to make me active... feel so down... although try to be hyperactive.... but is it the real hyperactive?....... so many things i need to do next week... can i finish them all?
WPD assignment
nursing management challenge question
nursing management assignment
still have that stupid research thingy... still have tampines and yishun
next week moving house somemore
working on 2 weekends... one full shift and got 1 day one shift....
how am i going to handle all this....so strESS

HAPPY:)

this few day dont need to work... practically slacking at home playing viwawa.. hehe... that sushi and match it game..... first time out of the 2 year i can slack for continuous 2 days... tmr morning need to work liao... but 4 hours only la...

this week project at hougang.... so gd la... 30 min before the meeting time then i left house... although i know for most of them, they are real tire... must jia you wor.... travellers' joy JIA YOU....

today early in the morning recieve a sms from geraldine... then i called her and chat for almost 30 min.... so many things happen in just 2 week time... but i really enjoy the 2 weeks of break i took from yoshi la... and best thing is this week i dun need go back also... so total 3 week away from yoshi... yeah... next week need to work liao... so sad.... i wonder why she give up the award... since she got the award, why don't she stay until she get the award....

then next week i moving house also... OMG... i'll be traveling from bukit panjang to kovan to work.... i wonder how will my working hours be like next week..... hope can get more hours ba....

decision

haha... decided... shall not quit cold storage... this is my final year... if i keep working so much, i might neglect my studies... since cold storage gave me so short hour, at least i can have more time for myself right... wahaha... last night really abit mood swing.. haha... i shall stay at cold storage ba... yohooooohoo got to go out le.... projects again... hope i can happy projecting ba

whats happening?

i can't believe it. i have an intention to change job. its just 2 month ago i found this job and now i have a intention to find another one. what's wrong with me? last time i hate changes. that's why i still at yoshi for 2 year.. unwilling to adapt to new environment, unwilling to learn new things. but i finally took out that step out and now i'm thinking to start all over again at a new place... i must be crazy le right... then today someone told me something which i think wake me up... and i learn something too la... last time when i use to teach counter crews in yoshi, i hate ppl who just learn and just when they are stable, they left... but that is what i'm going to do.... how will those people who taught me before feel?
but on the other hand, one of the reason why i want to left yoshi is also because of money... i need money... not only to spend, but also to pay my school fee. that is why i work so hard at cold storage. forcing myself to work at the beginning because at first, it is really tough. i got to force myself to learn fast. the forcing myself to adapt the place. the main reason is i want to earn more $$. agreeing to work full shift, wanting to work full shift... how much i wish i could be other, going out on weekend... but still i work... now is holiday and it is the best time for me to earn half of my school fee for next sem... although with that stupid project, i still can work... but.... what will i be doing next week? slacking... i dun wan... i need $... but they dun need part time that much le.... i know that. but what am i suppose to do now? school fee will be deducting soon and here i am cannot work... i really feel very irritated.. at yoshi, i feel that i'm just a ball.. which outlet need me for PQC or to push up the sales, they will put me there for attachment. till now, although i had being working at great world for so many months, my name is still under clarke quay.. so what i get good comment from service i have given to customer? NO USE... at cold storage, i feel like a spare tyre... when they are short of staff, i can work.. when they need staff, my working hour will be cut... is this what a part timer deserve?
i want to quit... but i cant..... and i dun feel like quitting.... sound so crazy....
what am i suppose to do? what can i do? i'm so lost... so tire...
can tell me what to do?

the better me..

well. today a new day again..... wahaha... my post for yesterday seems a bit hurting... well, i'll be strong and continue with my work at cold storage... why should i bother abt ppl in yoshi when i'm working in cold storage right. and why should i let those ppl in yoshi to spoil my day? that place had already cause me to have so many problem.... and yesterday i also learn one thing...
problem happen when u think it is a problem...
sound quite weird... but nevermind.... haha...
the happy and active me is back... wahaha
later will be going to bukit timah to do that project... hope everything will goes well ba... haha...
got to go do some housekeeping liao....
bye:)

i hate my surrounding

i'm so piss off by everything around me... losing control over everything. don't even know where to start.

firstly, i'll never trust anyone around me... none of them can be trusted.... i trusted u and share my problem with you. yet when i realise that i seems like being make use by you, i tell u something not true and test whether u will tell others anot... yet u did... you told her and maybe i should thanks you. Because of you, i realise that she is a same kind like you. maybe in that stupid company, everyone is like this ba... all are the same... good at making use of people. trust me, one day u will be make use by others too.

school fee is here again... yes, again.... $1000 plus again. where the hell i'm going to get these money... just save to that amt yet got to use up again. then after grad, that will also means that i cant pay to my father CPF immediately again. that will also means that i cant even take a break after grad. i must go striaght to work or else i'll face $$ problem again. i can even have my own saving even after leaving house for 2 years. i'm such a failure... i hate life. i hate people around me. i hate myself. have being hurting myself again. the bad habit is back again. when will i be able to stop this time? how long will this last this time?

cold storage is still the same... $$ never tally. the enthu me is no longer there. is all my smile real? am i really happy working there? should i continue there? feel like taking a break yet my condition dosen't allow me. then that research is taking up alot of time too. my life now is just surround by cold storage and research survey. next week, yoshi might come in... shall take a longer break for yoshi ba. since 1 july will be my 'last day' in cold storage. taking a break in yoshi shouldn't be a big problem le. sometimes we must be selfish de. since cold storage can give me the pay i want, why should i waste my time there giving mailers, and wasting all my energy doing housekeeping. wasting my time working at the rate of $3.70, might as well go to a place where they pay hire and best part is i dun need to keep smiling...

got to end here and go to sleep liao.. night

""HOLIDAYSSSS""

common test had ended... officially my 2 week holiday has start... yet, technically i dun have holiday because of that stupid project... well, since i promise myself i'll try my best, i'll not give up persuading people to let us do this survey. haizzzz

yesterday and today i had being busy working at cold storage... i realise that i'm no longer as enthusiastic as the first month i'm working there... Oh no... am i losing interest again in a job?
that is what happen to me at yoshi... but why cold storage only 2 month plus i'm sian liao? yoshi i still can work for 2 years plus then feel tire and sickening of that job. but for cold storage, i duno how to explain la... last time when i saw long queue, i will speed up and try to clear my queue asap.. but now, for explain today, when i see the queue, i just carry on the SAME SPEED.... although i tell myself i need to speed up, but.... WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
lost my name tag today... but duno why it ended up at pujin counter top... really very happy when i saw that name tag again... hee... will be more careful next time...

i saw aunty kee leng today... i really wonder if i had choose the right place to work... kovan got so many yoshi ppl around, yet i choose that place to work...because its near my place ma... but there are ppl thinking otherwise... i realise that i still miss yoshi quite a bit....

shall stop here liao... or else if continue, it eill be endless again liao.... goodnight

AH-> TTSH->SGH

its not fair for me lor. when i'm year 1, i'm posted to Alexandra Hospital.... Year 2 Tan Tock Seng... now year 3, they are posting me to SGH>>> SINGAPORE GENERAL HOSPITAL... i think when i graduate, i choose changi hospital better... then i'll have gone to all the gov hospital liao... I WANT TO APPEAL.... hope can get TTSH ba...
tomorrow work cold storage... i'll jia you de:):)

feeling so sad

i feel so sad.... later DD common test... what the hell lor.. now 3 plus le i still duno wat i'm studying...,
feel so bad.... everytime cold storage call to ask me whether can help in the night anot, i feel so bad because everytime i can't... last week because promise to meet someone liao... this week because common test at 6 later... i really feel so bad la.... i shall commit every wednesday night to help them starting from next week onwards.... realise that they usually down staff on wednesday de... well shall go to work every wednesday night ba:)

help i really need help for my common test... i totally no interest in continuing... lost my attention liao.... omg.. why did i change so much?....

common test period

so fast common test again.... school seems to start not long ago. now common test liao... this time common test i feel very weird sia... how much i wish i can score well for this term. yet i totally lost my interest in studying... tmr paper @4pm. now 11pm le and i just started revising... i'm just digging my own grave. i dun feel anxious like what i use to feel during common test... instead, i feel like dropping out of the course... i really duno why la....

yesterday went to my friend's father wake.. somehow realise that a person work so hard and will still die. what for working so hard sia.... my friend is really a very strong girl... hope everything will goes well for her after this happen...

feel like resigning cold storage and yoshinoya at the same time. i enjoying the money i earn from cold storage... compare to yoshi, yoshi is pathetic de low lor... but find working at cold storage really stress..... why my counter can never tally no matter how hard i try to make it tally.... feel very disappointed when i saw the money not tally....

my aunt went back to australia already... this time she came here and went canada foe a holiday... when she came here, she ask me whether i have any plans to go australia to take degree... somehow feel very pressurize... didnt really plan to further studies since poly life is already killing me....

well, got to go back to study le.. no matter how much i hate studying, i want to get it done and go... hee.... jia you shuwan..... i can do it de.... yeahhhhhh

i can't be bother

life is always the same. pack pack pack. nowadays, i realise i just cant be bother with friends around me. what they want to do and what they did that i don't like. i realise that i wont comment on things that i'm unhappy anymore.

friday when working at yoshi, i saw someone. someone who reminds me of the past. the hidden past. i wonder for a sec whether should i say hi to her. i did in the end. and had a small chat with her. so many memories flash back. secondary 3 life. those things that happen that make me change so much. things that make me understand that i can't trust anyone including good friend. things that make me learn that there is no one that that will treat each other truly. well, i had to learn how to hide all my feeling in front of my friends. i miss the sec 2 me... since sec 3 till now, i still can't find back the old me who had much more trust in friend. that fight, that exams, and that habit i had.. it all started with her and "L" its times for me to let go. but can i really let go? going to 5 years le yet i still dream of those days sometimes... omg... sound horrible, but the image will flash through my dream sometimes.


brother wedding is finally over. yeah....

i did something very bad just now. i know this will cause another quarrel but i just don't like. ya, i'm bad. i'm stubborn. i'm bad temper. but that is me. so be it. i can't be bother... still prefer to live in my own world.

stressful life

thing isn't going well for me.. by right tomorrow i'm working at yoshi. told her last week and guess what, shu called me at 4 plus today asking me why am i still not there yet. last week i had told her so many times last week that is week i can only work friday and she just ya ya ya... then when i ask her if this friday i'm working she just say yes without telling me that thursday i'm working too. i'm really so disappointed. CL is really right. if a manager is really good, i won't feel so unhappy working le. maybe she just appear to be good ba,,, haiz... tmr i work from 4-close... she might be closing manager. i really feel so unhappy working now... who ask me to overspend so much....



anyway, today recieve a very shocking gift from jasmine. tarot cards... i'm really very surprise la... year 1 i went to her house and got attracted by those cards... now year 3 le, she still remember. i'm really so touch la.... thanks jasmine...



feeling that friends are drifting apart... there was once i thought, after poly life, will we be able to keep in touch and remains friends or will we just become one of the passerby friend in each other life.... i think, to them, i'll be one of the passby ba..


anyway, got to end here le... damn tire and need to do that NSL assignment... so sad....

everything is my fault

its all my fault for being so hot temper and unreasonable. its all my fault for throwing temper at you. io had being trying to keep my temper down. i hate myself. but i dun like ppl telling me what to do when i didnt even try the thing yet. i kept quiet for the first time, but second time she say that again. well, everything is my fault. i;m unreasonable. but why in the sms u say that i always treat u like that and never treat one of our group friend like that? what has it got to do with her? i wont do that to them is because they never tell me what to do. i'm always the one asking them what to to when i duno or when i had try and cannot make it. then i'll ask them. not like you. when kylie and the trainer just told us what to point, before i can see my PDA, u told me what to do. why can't i explore it then u tell me?


mood swing had being my biggest problem recently. i try to control. be it at work or in sch.
i always try very hard to control. listening to music. trying to avoid people. well. best thing is to avoid all the people around me. maybe that is the best ba:)

busy as usual

So many things happen recently.. so many till i duno where to start from liao....
firstly, last friday we were learning how to draw blood from real human and i was poke 6 times. i volunteer. then now my hand got 2 blue black. now thinking back, quite worth it because i saw how nervous people is when they are doing for the first time. my first and only victim is jasmine. really thanks so much to her. my hand is really shaking la.. heeeheee. but manage to get it in the end.... thanks so much to this friend...

secondly, cold storage.... i really enjoy working there.... not the people there is nice. but its really challenging. wow... 18k for my counter that day. so happy la.... not all the ppl there are bad la. only some. there are some good ones also. but are they really good? or are they just wearing a mask? in cold storage i learn one lesson. there are ppl who can really hypocrites and wear a mask in front of u and backstab u until u also duno why u die. its very horrible de lor.
thirdly, yoshinoya.... all i can say is i really loss interest in working there liao.... everytime going to work is like feeling so wasting time.
fourthly, this week is so pack and i'm so lack of sleep. I WANNA TO SLEEP. weather killling me. goodnight...
oh ya... when to meet up with pig family just now... so happy everyone try to make it and everyone turns up... esther, junwei, boonkeng, qingrong, zhiwei, and tian tian thanks so much:):)

why do i feel so sad?

today everything goes very well until night time. for no reason, i'm crying. oh no....i dun want to keep crying. today suppose to be a happy day because my aunt is coming back from Aust. i was looking toward this day coming. yet because of this, i had being giving myself so much stress. all this is yoshi fault. i want to find time to pei my aunt yet i still need to work tomorrow. i really hate working at yoshi. facing that mdn who will only know how to eat snake by standing at the counter, and the other aunty who dun like mdn. i need to tell that aunt that mdn is not that bad after all. what the hell la. i really hate this working environment. then still have so many spys around. haizzzzz

i wonder how to stop crying now. i'm so tire..... tomorrow will be another tire day. haizzzzzzzzz

happening life

i'm making full use of the time recently... Did so many things to the extend of only sleep 4-5 hour for continuous 2 days.. furthermore is weekend.. the days that i can get more hour of sleeps....

Cold storage is really a stressful place to work in. From the moment u enter the counter to the moment u go break, u work non stop. then after break to
the time u end your shift, there is also non stop de.. Legs are breaking. so physically tire from standing and taking heavy stuff like rice and soap powder. didnt realise that those things are so heavy until i start working. mentally tire from memorising the code and studying in sch. when reach home still need to tire my room. my room is going from neat to untidy liao. i need to start that. then still have the drug discovery last weekend. friday do till very late.

what am i working so hard? earn more and spend more. i really need to cut down my expense. i'm going too far. haizzz....

handling cold storage and studies and already so tough. i still need to give yoshi once a week of my time. really duno why am i so foolish. why clement can dont work for so long and his name is still in the system and why must i commit myself so much to yoshi. still wondering what CL told me. although i hate this person to core, but still those things that he last time told me really make sense. if a person care for me so much, i won't have to wait for 6 month still havent go for course and not promoted. They are just making use of me yet why am i still so willing to let them make use of? i don't understand myself. willing to waste my time going to work and spend my time giving mailers, doing lobby work. what is this? i really wish that i could be more heartless.

people always say money not enough. for my case, it should be time not enough. i just need more time.

tomorrow there will be Drug discovery presentation and mini quiz. hope everything goes well and hope the person will come.

Can't expect the world to understand us. we should try to understand the world. This is what i learn today. :)

dragging on and on

Life is tough
Dealing with life is even tougher

recently only one work can describe my life... busy
as usual tire
as usual de lack of sleep

thinking of tomorrow still need to work yoshi really make me feel so sickening.
i dun wish to go work
no long looking forward working at yoshi
instead i look forward working at cold storage... although the stress level is super high, but its challenging and the pay is high
i shall wait for one more month... really hope that i can get that cert as soon as possible

i shall try my best not to miss school.... i had miss so many lesson and i really feel very bad abt it.... haizzzzzz.....

working like crazy

yesterday is labour day... working both yoshinoya and cold storage.. i really duno why am i torturing myself like this... wednesday evening went back to yoshi to work... then ytd morning 8am i reach cold storage and work till 2... rush to yoshi and continue work till close.. today as usual, miss morning 8am lesson and took cab down for 10am lesson... had been spending a lot especially on cab fee.. what am i trying to do? why am i having such a difficult time waking up? io really wish that i could wake up early and take bus to sch.. haizzzzzz.........
I WANT MYSELF BACK.... feel so trouble nowadays yet decide to keep it in me and not letting go...

went to Jurong point on wednesday after school to watch movie and buy may's present.... after movie, when to kopitiam where yunru and adeline get a drink... sat there for abt 15min..
so many things flash through my mind...i miss mrs mona... the place where we last met....because of you, and your believe in me, i had been telling myself not to give up... but before i could wear the staff nurse uniform, u left me... before i could let u feel proud of me, u left... that period of time is really painful... i threw temper to friends around me, i work everyday after school not want to bother abt studies... but u make me realise one thing... even when u pass away, u will be looking after me... u are always in my heart... on the first day i wear the staff nurse uniform, i'll sure go and visit you...
we dun really appreciate and cherish the people around us until they are gone... and i regretted by delaying 2 weeks meeting you... i regretted not contacting you often...
so many decision and things we do in life make us regret..

why am i torturing myself?

Feeling tire.... drained.... lifeless.....
today geraldine sms me telling me that gede(an indonesian crew) will be transferring to taka... wednesday wioll be his last day... i'm so shock when i saw that sms la.. why? at first i thought i'll be going back on thursday... but need to change my plan to wednesday and thursday... will be drained out lor... wednesday 5- close yoshi, thursday 8-2 cold storage, 4-9 yoshi... i feel so tire... such a packed schedule.... i seriously need to get a plan for my work and studies ASAP... but i dun even have enough time to sleep how to have time to plan....
still have the research project which is really giving me problems... i want to do... but duno why i just find it hard to do... i mean i find it hard to understand rather.. able to find articles but just dun understand what i'm reading.... whats wrong with me? i seriously duno....

tireeeeeeeed

haiz... today is saturday... normally people will go out to enjoy themselves on saturday... but me? from 9am-11pm, i'm working.... why must i work? why can't i enjoy my weekend going out with my friend? why must i torture myself making myself so tire and lifeless.....

this thursday is labour day... i'll be starting to work at yoshinoya again... every thursay from next week onwards... that will mean, monday i'll be having hi club till 8.30, tuesday end class at 6pm, wednesday going NUH to do research project, thursday working after school, friday research project, saturday and sunday working at cold storage.... what is this? why my life must be so pack with things that i dont really wish to do?

today got new uniform from cold storage... they are changing uniform so at the same time i got 2 sets.... its so UGLY... really look like ITE student... and worst still its shirt and skirt.. haiz... will be having a hard time soon....

I WANT TO CHANGE MY BAD HABIT OF SLEEPING AND REFUSE TO WAKE UP... now i'm having a hard time every morning waking up... like to sleep back which end up most of the time missing lesson....

recently i find myself quite weird... i have a intention of moving back home.... i dont know why... just having the intention to do so.... i must be mad and out of my mind.. but i really miss them very much... my younger sister, my elder sister... and my parent... must be very shock ba... but i feel that they had change... will these change be permanent? no one knows...

my new hair cut is driving me crazy... it curls to badly until its so hard to handle la... getting more and more like a mop liao... omg.... haizzzzz...
got to go sleep liao.... very tire also.... goodnight

drained...

wondering why did i choose nursing did i choose a right course? am i prepared to take this course as my future career? this few days too many things happening silently around me and i'm observing... am i prepare to do these things over and over again for my career? taking care of patient, prepare them for procedure... giving medication, writing reports, discharge planning, follow doctors rounds... nursing is really not a easy job... everything start off as tough and it will turn easy as times went by... but why do i find it harder and harder? all the lecturer are like talking alien language... different type os surgical instrument... drugs..... i feel so lost.... sometimes i just feel like going to take a form and just sign it and withdraw myself from this course... i find myself not contributing at all.... where had that shuwan who love nursing gone to? a girl who like nursing so much to the extend of leaving house to pursue the course she want... yet why is she thinking of giving up now? working so hard for the past 2 years... now left one more year why can't she continue? where is all the motivation?

recently feeling really down... especially after the mussel guys chief sms.. wth lor... maybe because of this incident and the few incident in the past, i realise that i don't feel like getting into a relationship anymore... although i wish i can have someone with me when i'm down, but i realise that first, i don't have the time and second i don't have the trust. i thought this kind of feelings will change after some time, but given myself 1 month and 1 month had pass... maybe i can only have good friend and not those kind of friends ba.....

why am i so concern whether yoshi wan me to continue working anot... i can say that i'm just making myself so tire and sooner or later i'll break down... i know this will happen and i also know that i cannot let this happen because this is my final year and also my most important year. yet i'm giving yoshi every thursday 1-10pm working schedule... during the crucial year i'm going to risk it by holding 2 part time job... what i'm afraid is not my individual result. i'm more concern about the group project.. the research thingy and the ns5 and NSL integrated assignment... i'm so worried i will become a burden to them.....

will i be able to make it?
recently realise that no matter how much problem i'm facing, i'll just keep it to myself... i no longer have the urge to say it out and share with my friends... why? just because of CL, i had change to another person? back to the secondary school time where by i hide my feeling and thoughts? i dun like those kind of life where by needing to put on a mask to school everyday...
there are still people that i can trust around me de right?

last friday went to HS office to hand in some assignment... i saw janice... i ask her if my parent still call and find trouble for them a not... she say that my parent had stop calling them... and she added that she is very happy to see that i work hard and is in my third year of nursing... when she say this, i feel very happy and sad at the same time... happy is that i'm strong enough and had make my way through to year 3. but sad is that i'm having the idea of giving up... everything seems so endless... projectssss, assignment, workload.... weeks after weeks, doing projects, attending lecture and tutorial.... rushing for lesson... the feeling of giving up is so strong...... but i know i still need to continue and work hard..... i feel like giving up... there is no motivation in me anymore... not at all....

as for her, she still ever return me the full sum of $$... and i heard that she even borrow more $$ from auntie.... why? why must she do so? there is something she is hiding from me, yet when i ask, she say no... she didn't even tell me that she had stop work..... today during one if the lesson, we debates on dual income family.... there was one sentence i truly agree.... money cannot buy happiness... to you, is money really that important? do money really matters to you more then your integrity?

haizzzz... hao la... some happy things that had happen today... we had a presentation and everything went on quite smoothly....
tomorrow i'll be going for a haircut... maybe a haircut will be better for me... but for sure wont cut too short yet cause i need to wait for my brother wedding dinner.. after that then i cut short ba... tomorrow most likely only trim and cut only a bit shorter ba....

shall end here le.... tomorrow i have one hour lesson for the whole day... because the research haven't started... so tomorrow my class start at 10, end at 11... after that will be going to meet mei and do all the things that i need to do... :) all the consolidation and time management.... after tomorrow, i'll be a more organize person le ba...
k la, i got to stop here already... good night everyone:)

i no longer looking forward for you to add me... i had given up... even if you add me now, i won't be bother to read... just because..... i dun care abt u anymore...

unlucky day

today work 10-11 at cold storage... nothing much... just plan unlucky the whole morning... then in the evening time, i saw him (CL).... really duno how to say.. duno how to smile at him.. feel so fake.. he ask how am i there.. really feel like telling him that at least at cold storage there is not as many hypocrite as in yoshi... force myself to smile to him is a torturing part.....
now looking through ns5 project.. wont update much... shall update another day...
today i'm really unlucky... tmr i work 11-1030.. hope everything will goes well ba

endless problems, endless worries

so long i never update le... really busy with tonnes of things that should be done earlier...
holidays ended... school started... got our project topic, and start to worry a lot. this time round, since it is our last major project, i shall put in all my effort and not rely on my project mates anymore, i'll learn to be more independent... other modules project also start to pour in... this weekend i really need to go through and see all the deadlines.... year 3 will be the toughest year... it will also be my final year... next year at this time, i believe and hope that i'll be rwritting my resume and going for interview....
updates on my part time jobs... firstly yoshinoya... i just can't understand myself why am i so soft hearted.. so much things had hurt me.. that sunday i saw this person from bugis at kovan after i work... shall name him as CL.. he is a very nice guy and we gets along very well after one incident that happen at bugis while i was attach there.. i also trust him, believing that he is not the sort that will gossip... but after today, i know that he is wearing a mask. he saw me that day at kovan and we had a very nice talk. about 1 hour plus.. i tell him all my unhappiness at yoshinoya. he told me that if i want he can help me to tell apple(a area in charge and store in charge of bugis) to transfer me to bugis.. but i told him that i had decide to leave and even if i want to stay, i'll stay at great world city.. then after that, i think Monday or Tuesday, john called me to tell me that the service excellence course will be 5 may and he ask me if i'll be attending. i told him i'll be attending la. then today i call geraldine. what i heard really shock me. belinda got to know that i want to resign. she also know that i'm working at cold storage. what shock me isn't this.. what shock me is that she heard that from apple.. i regret knowing another hypocrites. i hate that.. apple say that she saw me at kovan working. but i know the truth is that CL went to tell her... maybe CL is just another person in yoshi who like to lick the manager boots ba... i hate this kind of ppl. in order to get promoted, gossip and get ppl into trouble. haizzzzz... then ger say when i return, i'll be standing in kitchen.. i feel like telling her that no need already.. all i'm waiting for now is just the certs that belongs to me. those certs that i deserves to get last year. i feel like sms her and tell her that now what i want is just to help her out in the counter and i no longer waiting for crew leader. as usual, after belinda know that i want to quit, she ask geraldine not to let me quit.. i just feel very... last time when i want to quit, she told me that i can transfer back with geraldine. and i got transfer after 2 months.. i'm fine with it. now i want to resign u gave me another offer saying that want to promote me... i just want to let u all know that what i want now is no longer the position. i got use to cold storage and i'm happy there. anyway, i'm going to give them once a week schedule with 6 hour working hour.. nothing more... just to keep my names there and get the awards:)
cold storage is a very challenging place to work. although its tough, but its challenging. and the main thing is i can see that the people there appreciate me. they treat people equally... i started my own counter and the second day, i'm out of the service counter already... so happy... but working there is really busy de:) but i like it... heehee...
this semester time table got 3 days 8am lesson per week.. i really hope that i'll not be late for 8am lesson... shall end here and continue tidying my room.... goodnight...

japanese visit

today was a busy day. start work at 830... prepare coleslaw.. after that standby counter till the japanese come. at first i thought if no customer, as what geraldine had planned yesterday, i'll go for mailers. however things change. belinda was there before i reach. then when mdn kho clock in at 9 plus, both of us were at the counter... then beelinda ask mdn kho to give mailer. then i thought maybe later will switch ba. then when mdn kho came back from the mailers, she serve customer and collect payment on one hand. belinda saw this and told geraldine that i will permanent stay at counter and mdn kho will continue mailers till customer comes in. mdn kho face was so black la. then japanese did the PQC (product quality check). service 100%. nearly can't get 100% cause mdn kho collect payment and return change with one hand. but manage to get the 100% because both of us did suggestive selling. was so happy.. 100% leh... then dinner time, john told mdn kho to stand lobby. her face immediately become black again. really black lor.. then she even try to top up things at the counter. she is really so fake. then she stand the the door, talking and talking and talking to lai. end up lobby and dishwash only have one person doing one man show. she just pretend to give mailers, walk here walk there but not walking to the lobby. really can't stand her.

anyway, today i told geraldine about my decision to leave. john knew that also because he came out and just nice i was talking to geraldine about that. john did not get angry. no one know that real reason why i'm leaving. john is very understandable. he told me that people will goes for the better prospective job. i appreciate it alot for his understanding. geraldine could not accept the truth that i want to resign. in fact she was angry and disappointed. she try her best to ask me to stay. but i told her that i had found a job and even before i go fond a job i did hint her a lot of times. she just told me that she didnt get the hint and she is really busy. just now on the way home, she even tell me things like before 1 thing can be done, sometimes, other things need to be done first. i got the hint but just pretend that i didnt know. then she say, she knows i want to be a crew leader but before being a crew leader i need to attend course and get verify for kitchen first. but she never know that the mean thing is i dun want the post. i just want the increase in my pay for getting verify for counter. 5 months had past since i counter verify. still at that pathetic pay. she also duno that what i want is to be treated fairly. i can't get along with mdn kho. geraldine know that but the things she ask me to do is so much more then mdn kho. lobby mailers... i can hardly touch the counter the whole afternoon. but all mdn kho did was stand at the counter, waiting for customers. so much things i feel like tell her and john but i realise that i can no longer trust her. i wonder why is there such a big in me. she use to be one of the manager i trust the most. yet now everything that i tell her, i'll think twice.

something to be happy of today... the japanese remembered me.. he told john and geraldine that he saw me at harbourfront and why am i at great world city... haha... something to be proud of ba.. haha...

shall end here.. got to go sleep liao. tomorrow another stressful day because japan yoshinoya president might be coming down to great world city.... will do my best for tomorrow. and tomorrow will be my last day. so much feelings.... but i know i got to let go one day. good luck to myself. i'll do my very best tomorrow de... goodnight

tortouring myself

so many days i had went missing. this week is full of excitement for me. taken my step out... i started a new job... yeah yeah... cashier at cold storage. although it is really tough remembering the code for different vegetables and fruit. but i'll continue to work hard and memorise de. wow, this coming tuesday i'll start doing cashier myself. no more packer and no more using janis counter le. i'll have my own counter... really looking forward. although at time i still miss .... but after what happen today, i realise that my heart is dead. in yoshinoya, my heart is dead...

really so mad until i cry just now. i start work at 12.. took 1 hour break at 2. then start at 245. by right i can go home @ 9pm because tmr japanese visit. but i tell them i'll help out till 10 because just now down rice and alot of customer. At 10, i told lai that i want to go back. then she say i need to finish the housekeeping before i can go. cleaning the glass door, mirror, and the signboard..... tmr i work at 9 leh. what is going on i just be good girl and extend 1 hour yet u are wanting more. i can't stand this.. this is too much... another thing that mad me real mad is i told geraldine my schedule for this weekend and tell her to confirm with me again yesterday. yet, i'm still the on who need to take the initiative to call and ask her. am i really that important to her? until now my name is still under central. who bother to make the amendment? no one. really going mad. why must she try her best to take me to great world city yet now, i'm just like a stray dog. no sense of belonging at all. name under central, working at great world, sometimes being attach to bugis... i try my very best to work hard hoping that i can get the chance to go kitchen. yet the harder i work, what i did in the end? MAILER MAILER AND MAILER... so many times i say i want to go for chicken and beef seminar. you know that march i have attachment yet you intend to put my name for the seminars. i told u april i want to go yet it seems like... well u did not register me for the courses again.
times and times i told myself not to blame you cause you are tire and busy. how many times can i tell that to myself? i'm tired... really sick and tire. going to work knowing that i can only do counter lobby and mailer. have being doing this for 2 years plus. i had enough of it le. this time, there is nothing that can change my decision. i dun want to learn kitchen anymore. i dun want to be crew leader. i'll give up the chance of getting service excellent silver award. i'll give up the cert for the course that i had attend. you knew that i can't get along with mdn kho, yet u asking me to give mailer only. why cant u ask us to go. take turns to go. why am i the only one doing counter cum lobby cum mailer? why am i the one doing housekeeping and she dun need to do? are u fair to me? no you are not. there is no way i will change my mind this time. to you, maybe only the indonesian crew is the most impt ba. i'm nothing to you.

very tire le. shall stop here.. goodnight

problems one after another

i decided to tell her on thursday after my attachment to bugis.... decided to to go back GWC to place the punch card and at the same time tell her my final decision... 31march will be my last day... however today when i reach the store, i saw kamachy typing the schedule of japanese visit and on the 6 they will come and on the 7th march, they and helen khoo and monica will all come... so i change my mind. well i shall help till 7th march.... make up my mind and was very determine to do so.... then when on the way home, kamachy tell me something which make me feel miserable... only miserable can explain my feeling at that time. she told me that i was nominated for the service excellence silver award this year.. i'm like:' are u joking?' why must good things happen when one person heart is dead... i finally put down all my feeling. i finally let go of all my emotion. i have no more feeling to the people there. i'm happy that i found a new job. a job which can allow me to have more time to study, more time to rest and get back to the normal sleeping pattern. i finally manage to look on a brighter side. now i'm having a second thoughts again... should i let go of this good opportunities? this is a very rare opportunity. should i let go? the worst part is the award is around sept time. which means another 6 more months... how can i hold 2 jobs at the same time. April will the final year. the most critical year. i still have one CCA. how can i handle all this things? things are getting out of hand. CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO...

ending for something that should be ended

today cold storage called me up for interview... kinda of surprise cause i thought it will be hopeless liao.. but they afternoon called me and ask me to go down for interview... went for interview and next tuesday going to start work liao... should be happy right, but somehow i cry when i reach home.. so much mix feelings inside me... so many happy memories... so many unwanted memories.
at harbourfront... when vivo city opening where edwin and john work until no time to smoke. then suddenly no sales then eileen so stress until keep eating.. chinese new year we run the sales until so tire... i had a bad sore throat and john keep making fun of me. because of my family problem, john stay to make sure my parent didn't come to create troubles... knowing so many nice people like jia jia(my cute mei), chito, edwin, alan(i'm sorry for keep throwing temper), ismail(i'm sorry for being so irritating), uncle chong(my best uncle who will keep chicken skin for me every time i work), ah shun( i'm sorry for giving bad attitude at the beginning). some of them i might have miss out but these people make me realise and change me alot.. the time when we make our t-shirt for supermeet... unforgetable sia
then at central, how i got my darling and sweetheart(both are gals btw and we are not les). eating the caramel ice cream and sitting at the river side... how i smell like miso soup the whole day... how we laugh until we are crying... how Ube make nice onions for us.... i miss ube, tiffany, huishan, ah shun, william and riz... all of u are so good to me
then my last station.. great world city... how i get use to the environment.. got to know one of my schoolmates who is also working there.. how much i miss geraldine and finally can work with her again... how we ran the chinese new year sales until so tire.... working until 1am during first day of chinese new year...
the happiest moment is smoking with edwin and john... my 2 good good area in charge and supervisor...
but still i miss those time alot. i know that those are only memories and things wont be the same anymore, but because of all this nice memories, i stay in yoshi for so long.... its time for me to leave but i really duno how to tell geraldine.. she make such a great effort to bring me from central to great world city, yet i'm going to leave... i'm really sorry...
tuesday will be a new start of mt part time career.. i'll earn more money... i will spend less time to travel. i'll have more time to rest and revise... really hope that everything will goes well after tuesday......... no, everything will goes well after tuesday... learning might be hard but i'll make it de.... but why am i still crying now?

should i leave?

went for cold storage interview on wednesday.... yet till now still no reply... i went there for part time cashier position... haizzzz.... ytd something unhappy happen... this really make me realise that there is no point continue working in yoshinoya le.... so what if i got the crew leader? so what if i'm the super crew... so what if i have good counter service? i have wasted my 2 years working for yoshi as cheap labor le. and i have enough of it le... time to go and look for higher pay job le...
monday if cold storage still no reply, i shall go NTUC for interview. i dun want to continue wasting my time working there le. i want to make good use of my time working for money and not for emotion... i'm tire of all those le. i know every manager has been good to me, but i really can't stand it le. i have enough of it le. within this month, i must find new job.... i start new job...
school time table is out yesterday and i realise that in year3, i really dun have as much time to work le. i still need to buy that PDA which cost 500 plus... i still want to change my handphone... if i continue yoshinoya, how am i going to buy all those things?
new time table really very draggy. long long days... i wonder how much longer can i hang on. physically tire... mentally i'm tire too... i'm dragging everyday... every morning drag myself to wake up, drag myself to work... then work until so unhappy, what for continue this kind of life... i'm going to give up