buffet

ytd had another buffet at sakura with cs ppl.... happy... but, feeling lost.. crazy me... yup.. he really never appear... susanti also last min cannot make it... sad sad sad.

ytd E HOR again... phlebitis... arghh... first time in team one, i gana E HOR liao... irritated... busy like mad gal... that idiot consultant... FOLLOW ROUND FOLLOW ROUND FOLLOW ROUND... crazy sia.. nurses so free to follow rounds meh. then who is going to do the changes... still have trendcare need to predict... as if we very free like that.. hope he will leave my ward asap... everyone will clap for his leaving de........

haiz... need to go work again.. dragging as usual... irritated... arghhhhhhhhh

别再为他流泪

你走了太久一定很累
他错了不该你来面对
离开他就好 就算了 心情很干脆

他其实没有那么绝对
远一点你就看出真伪
离开他不等于你的世界会崩溃
转个弯你还能飞

就别再为他流泪
别再让他操控你的伤悲
就算有一点愚昧一点点后悔
也不要太狼狈
他不值得你的泪
把那遗憾留在大雨的街
你曾在迷失的旅途中盲目追
以后为自己醉
以后管他是谁
每段感情都非常珍贵
他的好你就放在心扉
记得有个人曾让你那样的心醉

你笑了照亮夜幕的黑
什么梦都不比你的美
多少年以后想起他还有些体会
那些你已无所谓

梁靜茹 對不起我愛你

沒別的　只想說對不起　對不起　我真的愛你
不管你會怎麼想　你怎麼說　也不會改變我的決定

你知道　有時候感情事很難說　很難說　愛人或朋友
從前到現在我真的感覺要　一想你　我的心就發燒

想給你聽我的心跳　想你知道我睡的不好
喝水想著你　搭車想著你　闔眼閉眼間　出現的全是你
我猜不到你的表情　我等不到你的回應
不想難為你　又不想放棄你　決定告訴你
對不起對不起　我愛你

沒別的　只想說對不起　怎麼樣　我都會珍惜
不管你會怎麼講　你怎麼做　也不會影響我的心情

你知道　有時候男孩更難捉摸　難捉摸　愛人或朋友
現在到永遠我真會感覺要　一想你　我的心就狂跳

我的模樣記不記得牢　情人卡有沒有收到
讀書想著你　聽歌想著你　大地和藍天　出現的全是你
我才不管你的表情　我才不理你回不回應
不想難為你　又不想放棄你　決定告訴你
對不起對不起　我愛你

你聽一聽我的心跳　你看一看我睡的不好
喝水想著你　搭車想見你　闔眼閉眼間　出現的全是你
我猜不著你的表情　我等不到你的回應
不想難為你　又不想放棄你　決定告訴你
對不起對不起　我愛你

he is not going

how stupid am i having a high hope that he will go for this thursday outing.....
haiz.... yup.... he fly kite us.... ask my good friend to ask me to organize one buffet... i should say nowadays really no energy to organise one meet up... have to confirm one by one... have to wait for reply... getting disappointment...
this time round, i decide to plan another one, because of him and one of my friend... end up, i get disappointment again...
i should have expected this... but why am i still feeling sad leh?
arghhhhhh.... poly friends asking me to organize also... that one even harder sia... working shift work somemore.... harder to plan...
work at cold storage had not being very smooth... starting from that stupid old bitch de complain letter..... then every week there is something happening... then i lost my dinner and dance de ticket, getting feedback from 01 saying my voice too loud while serving customer, changing counter 3 time early morning because counter spoil. today even better sia... broke one of the counter locker key. the key struck inside. lucky later part of the day i manage to pull it out... then reach home liao gana a news that i overcharge a customer by $4plus... and that customer is very irritating type de lo... haizzzzz....
i will be dragging myself work again... and i can foresee that what is happening in yoshi is going to happen in cold storage... the same story, but in a slower process..... how can i stop it from happening????? how i can change back to the last time de me? arghhhhh

my bad temper

things are not going the smooth way...
i walking on the rocky road..
knowing that i'll fall
knowing that i'll get injure, yet i'm still moving on...
for one very simple reason... i want to earn more money....
dinner and dance was fun..... i saw him.....
crazy me!!! haha...
this week and next few weeks i'll be working harder..
reason is simple->to stop thinking and stop worrying...

my bad temper is back again... hidden for so long and now its coming back again
hurting close friends around me, feeling sorry yet i have already done it..
now all i can do is keep reminding myself.... i cant go back to who i am in yoshi.
i hate myself when i'm in yoshi.....
i wan to be a better me... i have to control
i'll change.. i will throw away my bad temper de...
i promise:)

sometimes i wonder, if i'm gone suddenly, who will feel sad for me?

moving out

tmr will be the day that i long forward very long time ago... but then. i'm feeling very sian now... moving moving moving.... but now i'm not keen... too spoiled by my aunt le... dun like the feeling being lonely.. dun like the feeling of being alone.. worst still i dun have internet access for a few days until i get the disk from jasmine.... arghhhhhh.....

i'm such a failure..... Prohibition confirm extended till feb 11. my orientation checklist still unable to complete.....
new checklist for extention given to me...

i really at the verge of giving up........ arghhhhhhh I HATE THIS KIND OF LIFE

irritated

gana complain by one of the cashier.. she had already resign yet she dun let me off. purposely find trouble for me... i hate it... she is really a bitch,.... trust me,... dun let me know where is is working or else i'll find her trouble... i'll give her back what she had given me............

his suddenly appearance

today he appear. suddenly.. stunt... duno what to say at a moment.. keep telling myself i had to be normal. his just a ex manager. he is just pig head... when he left for his dinner, i start to think, just when everything getting back in place, he appears.. lost at the moment... cat had be more initiative compared to the past... more caring....
i'm being unfair... i know it's unfair for cat... i'm bias... but..... i shall let it go smoothly ba. shall not be like last time... but..... what if both happen at the same time? who will i choose? this qn i ask myself again today... although the ans is the same, but this time i hesitate for a min b4 giving myself that same ans... why? is it because of that night? i dunoooooooo...

anyway, enough of relationship stuff le... let me had a space for work.. work in hospital is not smooth at all... its confirmed that my confirmation won't be next month... er... in another words, yes, i had being extended for my prohibition.... although disappointed, but, time for me to reflect also la...

i miss cold storage

haiz... working at hosp had nv being smooth sailing... today actually is working there morning then going to cs and enjoy myself to the max de... end up just when i open my eyes, ward call up... it's jy... she just say i'll be working night shift today. my mind went blank sia... really blank de lor... wat abt cs? who is able to cover me over at cs side?
haiz... end up i still cant find anyone to help out... really feel very bad and sad la... end up tonight will be short of 2 cashier.... arghhhhhhh...

working is so tiring... esp hosp.. temper getting more and more bad. k can no longer smile at work le.... occasionally yes, so some of my patient..... but other then that i can smile at all le..... what to do? what can i do? i really tire le.... trying to tell myself i can do it de... end up keep falling down.... out if those same batch with me de, i think i'm the most useless de ba....haiz..... tmr will be a better day ba... hopefully night time nothing will happen ba.....

so stress

so many things flashing through my mind.... what if i just disappear from the world... what happen if something i fear the most happen?
i'm pulling myself to work...
i'm dragging on

relationship?

i gave up waiting le... 9 months le... ad when i called u last night, the tone u gave me make me understand that no matter how long i wait, it will still be the same... well, the next time if we had a chance to go out again, i believe it will more like going out with a causal friend instead of a special friend ba... of course there is that bit of disappointment to me. but then i realise, letting go of u seems easier compare to pig... i'm such a failure... 2 person that i like, ended up need to give up...... i'm tire le,.... truly tire of liking someone.... especially pig,.....

well, i should say, i having a freedom life again... but deep inside me, i'm still thinking of pig.... cat i'm not worried since we will still be friends just that i will have less expectation from you... but for pig, i know it very clearly that i'll not have anymore contact with him le.... haiz..

got to go to worki again liao... fighting war again...

what i more important to me?

such a "nice" day today... working full shift at cs... cashier room had move to the "cold room" le.. and its really cold de... i miss the old cashier room. bigger, nicer... the new one look so.... haiz..... night time because of my tiredness and bad temper, i threw temper again. at someone i shouldn't over someone that is not worth it... all i could say is i'm sorry. shouldn't have give u those kind of attitude. i admit, i'm piss off in the beginning. very piss off... but on the way back, i think alot... is it worth it anot... over him. yes i still think of him almost everyday. but he is not worth to spoil our friendship.... promise u, no matter what happen next time no matter how tire i am, history will not happen again ok:)... i;m sorry...


somehow have a sense that history that had happen in yoshi is going to repeat itself again in cs.. how... what can i do? what shall i do to stop it?

i'm not forcing myself to accept the truth... its hard to let go, but i believe, i'll b able to do it. by the time i meet u next time, everything will be back to normal.. yes... i'll de....

haiz... so many thing wanna type... but.. i'm lazy.....
so many mixed feelings want to let go, but worried that u are reading....
arghhhhhhhhhh

how long more can i hang on

i really feel like giving up now. really. the thought of going to work is stressful. i can't believe that i'll be so cannot make it. she told me, siewling, when u student time, your proactive-ness impressed me. but now you have more slacken. i duno whats happen. i work double hard compare to when i'm a student time, i stay back to write report. but what i get in the end?
can anyone believe, i work until 1215am yesterday. i suppose to end work at 10. usually i'll finish up my report until 1130. yesterday i finish at 1215am and it is with the help of the other staff nurse who stay back with me. between 8-930, i have 1 pt from ED, 1 pt from EDTC, and 2 pt from 8B. what the hell is this la. how to work in this kind of environment. HO blames me for not informing her. but usually transfer in dun need to inform de what. sickening.
suddenly have the urge to leave. to resign. to work in a place that is less stressful. i really duno how to face the ward. i duno how to go to the ward and work. i'm tire..
i miss cs. i miss my mummy very much.

will be moving back to hougang tmr le. time pass really fast. staying here for 1 month le. very use to the life here.
i'm seriously tire of life. sick and tire of moving and working. how much i hope i can go to a place where there is no more stress, no need to work, dun need to face ppl. what can i do?

i'm tire

even sleeping for 11 hours, i still feel that my bones is breaking. for the past few day really cannot make it. so many things unable to finish. transferring patient out, admitting patient which is cannot make it de. work until cannot breathe. since start till end no time for meal, staying until 5 to complete my report... working in this environment, how long can i continue?

will be moving back to fourth aunt house this saturday. again moving. had been moving for the last 3 years le. will be moving out to stay soon. most likely begininng of next month ba.. if not, worst come to worst, get that place ready for her first, pay everything first and then delay for another 2 weeks before moving in.... this few months so many things is happening la... 2 close poly friend birthday. my third aunt coming back from aust, my sixth aunt coming back from china..

seeing my friend going to move out soon really make me wonder if i make a right choice. sometimes, i will feel very bad about it. i'm breakin her mother heart. if i dun exist, thing might be better right.... again and again i'm thinking.

do u know that i'm still thinking of you? trying very hard to let u go, but somehow, everything that i do reminds me of u. even something as simply as going to a supermarket to buy things, ppl reminds me of you. you are so popular, i know. but its just... i cant believe it. why should i still think of u when u are not. why should i be holding on when u seems so not be bother. i should have let go of you at the beginning. but i didnt. i must let go of you now, but i can't.

going out with cat is happy. but like what ppl say, we seems more like friends. sometimes i agree. but sometime he make me think twice.

when will i have someone that can care for me? shower me with the care and concern that i want? when? who? i'm still waiting. searching in the middle of the sea. how must i wish it could be pig. dun scold me for being silly. dun scold be for being stupid.

life still have to goes on....

i'm sorry

although i had agree to give up. to let go.
forcing myself that u are just fooling ard.
yes, i'm convinced
but. somehow, i'm still thinking of u
i try very hard to hide.
but i can't stop myself listening to song that will remains me of him

i'm stupid
i'm a fool
when will i be able to stop myself

recent updatess

the feeling of missing someone is miserable...
when will i be able to let go of him?
when is there going to have a full stop to this sad story?
is he just trying to make fun of me?
or is he bother by the age gap?
does he really have a girlfriend that is about to get married?
i just need to know the ans before i can move on. that's the one ans i want for now.
thinking of him whenever i hear old song. and the more i wanted that old song.
those song he had sang before that night.
i'm lost...

going to start work later liao... the stressful work.
start to have the thought of giving up my current full time job and join cs as full timer again.
the thought of I GOING TO START NIGHT SHIFT THIS SUNDAY really make me feel tire even before i start.. whats wrong with me?
how hard i have work for the past 3 yr to complete this course and here i am, thinking of giving up after less then 6 months after i start work. WHAT"S WRONG WITH ME?


anyway, for last week and the past few days i working in cs, its really fun, crazy and cui..
really tire. but its fun... chiong long queue. calling mummy mummy and mummy.... i really love my cs mummy... she is the chief cashier la.. i can share all my unhappy things with her. except for thing abt PH. haha... last week really long hours of working, but really enjoy those time there... next week although i off for many days, but will be gg out many days la....haha... tuesday night, wed night, sat whole day and sunday whole day... oh on.... pay just came and here i am going to spend so much so much,...

well, shall go off and prepare for work liao... on, i should say, prepare for war liao... shall update again soon.,...

anyway, just a word to my special friend... working so hard to stop yourself from thinking will only make u think more when u rest. looking at the way you are working now, its time for u to cut down even more le. enough of chionging le. avoiding really cant solve the problem. be strong, face it. its time for you to get a long rest also le... yes, i still avoiding my problem. but i need an ans to decide whether i should put a fullstop anot. i dun want to repeat like last time. putting a fullstop and regretted just because of what he say and i thought its is impossible.
this time, the fullstop will totally end the story.

AL over

so fast, one week plus de AL over le....... this whole week i think spend most of my time at cold storage ba... 59 hours last week. this week almost collapse from working... tmr starting work liao.. sian is the only word tt can describe my feeling right now. maybe because i have work too much liao.. play too much till no heart to go back to work ba... all the best to me ba. 3 afternoon shift starting tmr then 2 night shift... looking forward yet there is still fear for the night shift. i'll be junior in charge leh... one whole row somemore.... haiz...... wish me good luck ba..

next week is his bdayh le... will be celebrating for him..but somehow i feel that its one one.....
although here i am planing for his bday, yet, deep down i'm missiong someone else
why dun u reply my sms?
u are the one who start the story again after i had end it. since now u are the one who start it, u should be the one putting a fullstop. why r u avoiding it? i'm still waitning for ur reply and i'm ready to face the answer.. how much i wish u know how i feel. i believe u should already know, but why cant u just face it?

time really flies

i'm now 3 month old staff nurse le... and i'm enjoying my AL now. tmr will be back to work for 1 day because of that baldder scan course. anyway, today within ine day, i spend more then $300 buck. on specs, on food, on transport...
today i saw him again. never say much. realise that dun need to say anything. just looking at him from far is enough. knowing wat he doing. seeing him concentrating on his work is so cool.
somehow i still feel the disappointment. the feeling of being abandon. duno why. still have that little expectation. the way he look at me really show something different. i know it. he know it also. but... we still cant... we still cannot overcome that problem ba..

i wish i can see him again soon

i start to wonder

is it worth it for me to torture myself like that?
what do i really want for my life?
is it worth for me to wait for u so long?

i'm tire of waiting.
i'm tire of working.
i duno what i want.


why am i so foolish?
why am i so indecisive?


i hope i can be more firm
i hope i can be stronger
i hope i can be less stubborn

did i choose the wrong path?

why am i so weak?
why am i such a failure?
i feeling so down.....

anyway, thanks for being there...
u make me understand why i'm working so hard
u make me understand its worth for waiting for the past few months

few words

i'm tire,
i'm confuse
i'm lost..

i feel like giving up... really feel so tire le.................
why must there be changes in my life?
i hate changes

i'm confuse

what's happening to me? am i nuts? how can i do that? i duno... for all i know, after knowing something, i regretted... after u say something, i feel more upset... if i knew that from the start, maybe i'll be waiting for different thing now.. how much i hope that song continue and there is no ending.. how much i hope u will hold me till the end. although i know that i can't as if i really do so, i need something call courage. why must u tell me that making me feel so confuse now?
i'm dreaming. yes.... i can't... its impossible... i can't.. yes... last night maybe he just comforting me ba... maybe just joking with me also...
anyway, yesterday is a happy day for me la... super happy..... post shall be all about cold storage.. i got a complimentary from a customer. and i got a cert from that.. and heard that this complimentary make hougang famous.. something like that la.. because very long never get complimentary le. because so many complains.. singaporean ma... always more complains, seldom have complimentary de la.... in that previous part time job, i use only 3 months to get famous. but i regret spending my 3 years there...
although in cold storage, i spend 13 months before i get a compliment, but i know something that is very different.... i know there are true people... tomorrow will be another day in cold storage... after work, gg cs to work.. although tiring, but i'm happy... super super happy.... last night go k with them... cs ppl... so many ppl go. 01 boss, 03 steward, 05 rhonda, christina, jeff, mickey, susanti, janis, ivy phua, then got other la, steven, and the other 2... really play until very crazy.. haha....... really memorable.

i'm still running. i'm tire

the time now is 1am le. i'm still online. going to start packing. yet duno to start from where. duno to continue from where.
dun have to courage to move back home totally
dun have the energy to start all over again
dun have the hope to move back...

know that i'll fall
know that i'll cry
know that i'll hurt myself even more,
but i still need to move forward
the journey gonna to be tough
full of rocks and needles
but because of my aunt i need to carry on.

COLD STORAGE, i will sure miss u all de... we can compete for everything... even to see who write the most report.. and yea, u always win de lor.. i'm always the second... u should know who i referring to ba.... "HOW MUCH IS YOUR PICK UP AR? shit, how come mine so little... stress ar.... why no customer want to come my counter de.... arghhhh... "
one by one leaving,... what is the thing that is holding me back now? maybe hoping for miracles to happen ba... hoping u all will stay but knowing that all of u are tire and i cannot be so selfish,. but i really bu she de u all. i want those laughter again. i want the fun and craziness again... but i know life have to goes on. i know we should move forward look for better opportunity... just want to let the 2 of u know, thanks so much for the laughter u had brought. laught till cry is already so common thing that happen to me...

i feel so upside down now... be it cold storage life, be it family thingy, be it nursing, be it him... everything is like so fan... i really cant breathe now... i need some fresh air... i need some space... i running away from all the problem... yea... but how long can i run? how much further can i run?

ending of a week

today is friday le. didn't notice about it until my friend told me just now... next week de today i'll be home le. really feel so sad.... i wish i could move out and stay alone. although i really hope i can stay with my family, but i really can't stand any nagging. not at the moment until i can find a very good reason to stay in nursing....... but for the tiMe being, i'm stress in nursing and more stress whenever i thought of moving back home.....

something at make me quite happy today... his ans.... although not what i expect, but also not what i fear... some ans that is unexpected but still very happy lor.. haha

coming soon...

3 july is coming soon... sooner then what i can imagine. alright, i must say that i should be grateful that the date is extended from 26june to 3 july... but still i find it not enough. i'm not ready to face them. especially during this period. my stress level is so high, and the only chance to de-stress is either to go out with him or work at cold storage. i feel so bad that i cant even meet up with my baobei this week. and i really cant imagine that i will be moving back to face them. seriously, i had phobia in moving back. what if this tiMe i move back le i wont be able to move out again? what if their attitude change worse? and most of all, i'm not ready to give them money yet... the thoughts of the money i gave them will be spend on 4D and toto, i really dun want to give them. but i dun have a choice... next month pay then i give them ba...
but for the tiMe being, i really feel so strEss needing to go to work and the thoughts of moving back home really shut my brain up. arghhhhhhh....
how nice will it be if i don't need to face all this problem.
how nice will it be if i can jus let go of all my feeling and dun worry so much
i know there a place i can go.
i know there a thing i can do.
i know the way to go to that place.
but............

happy off day..

today my off day... and surprising i never work in cold storage.... because he also off day. so nan de can go out together... haha... went for a movie.... blood: the last vampire.... quite nice show.. 4stars rated... haha. then we went sakura for dinner..... yes.. sakura buffet again... haha... but today getting abit tire of the food there liao.... haha.... anyway, really quite enjoy today....
tmr work starting liao. then i'll have to chiong 11 days straight with off day... next off is next sunday.... to me, sure a torture la.....
last week i did something real stupid in the hospital,.... hope wont raise to big issue.... learn from mistake and become a better person ba... stressed at work.... how nice will it be to work only in cold storage and not as a nurse..... really hope life can be in that way.....

near E HOR

today is really tiring as usual. nursing is really tiring. start work like a princess, end work like a maid... hair so messy, body so tire and face so oily... arghh smell so NICE somemore. like just finish 2.4 km run like that... arghhh
today nearly had medication error...nebuliuzer and that stupid E IMR system. some one give that neb liao never enter into the system.. then i nearly go and give a second time... lucky patient watching tv, delay the time then when the staff come back from break, the staff say given liao.. then after i come back from break, that patient quarrel with me.. arghhh....
then 8 plus got one admission bad enough liao, 9pm come one more.... really can't stand it la.... stress stress stress stress... headache headache headache headache...
i'm wondering how long can i hang on with this? what if one day i can no longer smile? i can predict that day will be coming soon...... i'm depress now.... ARGHHHHHHH

a song that i'm feeling now

Say forever-哥哥妹妹

我一个人不孤单
想一个人才孤单
有伴的人在狂
欢寂寞的人怎么办

越过窗看着长街
欢乐却无声像一张卡片
灯光像繁星灿烂整条街
思念的情绪湿亮我的眼

我一个人不孤单
想一个人才孤单
有伴的人在狂欢
寂寞的人怎么办

我边想你边唱歌
想像你看着被感动了
我被抱着
眼泪笑了

围巾轻碰着唇边
有点暖的像亲吻的感觉
吐气变白烟飘过了眉间
撞上了怀念下了一阵雪
Say forever lyrics on
http://music.yeucahat.com/song/Chinese-French/14245-Say-forever~GoGo-MeMe.html

我一个人不孤单
想一个人才孤单
有伴的人在狂欢
寂寞的人怎么办

我边想你边唱歌
想像你看着
被感动了我被抱着
眼泪笑了

气氛太美离你太远
有太多的幻觉
不能快乐不能改变
Cause baby i miss you

我一个人不孤单
想一个人才孤单
有伴的人在狂欢
寂寞的人怎么办

我边想你边唱歌
想像你看着被感动了
我被抱着
眼泪笑了

我被抱着
眼泪笑了
Say forever

thanks.

although now i'm flooded with so much problem.... but i'm glad that i have friends like you all. although i can;t promise i will not self harm, but i'll try to lesser the frequency of self harming myself. ok

what u and him say is right. i shouldn't do that to him. its not fair for him also.

can anyone teach me how to get the money back from someone u lent? the amount is not very big sum, but seriously i regret lenting it to her. well she say tmr she will transfer back to me. but i duno how to trust her again. some kind of ppl will never change. she don't deserve that kind of pity from me. she don't deserve me forgiving her. although that had happen almost 6 years ago, i had forgiven her and thought that we can be friends. but now thinking back, people never change.

why am i keep thinking of the past. especially recently lor. really keep thinking alot leh..... haiz... only if i can forget abt the past, i believe my life will be happier... seeing my nursing staff card, i really hope the name on it is shuwan... why can't i just let go and move on. i realise holding on make me feel so tied down.

I SHALL NOT CONTINUE TO BE THE ONE WHO INITIATE THE CHAT WITH YOU LE. SINCE I HAD ALREADY LET U KNOW,
I SHALL LET YOU BE THE ONE WHO MAKE THE NEXT MOVE. BOTH OF US MIGHT NOT BE READY TO BE TOGETHER, ALL I CAN DO IS TO WAIT BUT ONE DAY IF I DECIDE TO GIVE UP, I HOPE I DID NOT MAKE A WRONG CHOICE.

pouring it all out

I CAN'T STAND IT
yesterday change shift with peishan. end up i'm doing morning so was thinking of going back and stay one night. what happen? quarreling as usual. one way quarrel and i had to tell myself i cannot ans back.i need to quiet down. i need to ignore them. i need to control my temper. yes i did it. i did not quarrel with them. but what happen? i hurt myself again. something that i promise my aunt that i will not do it. but i did it again. so hard yet so painless.
HAD I KNOW THE 2 DRAGON SO USELESS, WOULD HAD THROW YOU ALL AWAY.(my younger sis and me)
U DON'T NEED COME BACK AND LOOK AFTER YOUR SIS STUDY LA. YOUR NURSING MORE IMPORTANT LA. PARENT ALSO DON'T WANT LA
and the same old things. talking about the past, bad mouthing abt my eldest aunt(baobei)
that that very moment, i really feel like get change and leave that hell immediately.
in hospital, patient treat us like maid. when reach home, i get this kind of torture. its even worst then working in the hospital la. my aunt say, if i move out and stay myself, i'll not eat well as i will neglect my meals. its true. that is why i agree to move back and try to adapt. but i told myself this. i rather stay out and neglect my meals, get malnutrition, or even die of hunger. i rather die of hunger then going back and stay. that place is really a hell to me,. its like, everytime going home, hoping for the best but i'm always getting the worst.
WHAT IS MY LIFE GOING TO BE IF I MOVE BACK PERMANENTLY?

i'm so LUCKY

today jus feeling mood swing. really bad mood lor. so many things flashing through recently... bad memories and good memories. make me feel like breaking down.... i start to harm myself again. after so many years, i started again. i know i shouldn't. i know i can't... but.... unknowingly.... I FEEL SO TIGHT... so many things make me feel like.... i wonder what am i doing in this world? if i don't exist, isn't it better? what different does it make?

i doubt i can survive my 6 months provision. i doubt i will be able to hang on long... i'm going to let go everything. and i know the day that i let go, it will be the end.

hamtaro, do u know that i'm looking for you? although u had once lie to me, but i seriously don't mind. i really miss you and really hope that i can contact u again. but u had change ur no. what am i suppose to do? how am i going to find you again.

there is mouse in my house!!!

last night was chatting with my friend when i heard some funny noises
then i was shock thinking that it might be mouse since we are staying ground floor and had quite a few episode of mouse entering the house. but when i quiet down, the sound is gone. thought that its my imagination.
just now came back home with a bug horror. THERE IS A WHOLE IN MY BAG. inform my aunt that i suspected there is a mouse, she went kitchen and realise that her raw koropok that was left in a box on the floor also have sign of being destroy. the plastic also have whole. wth.....

this few day really tire. numbing myself so that i wont think so much, but it doesn't seems to help. the ward is really busy. non stop de turning, changing diaper, feeding. its just like a route.having backache and all sort of stupid problem. haiz... shall update more next time. time to go to sleep liao.

i learnt

sometimes its better not to be too curious.
sometimes its better not to know too many things
when things get more and more complicated, i start to wonder. if in the first place i don't know all these things, isn't it better?
will history really repeating itself again?
will i lost friends the way i lost last time?
what happen last time doesn't seems to bother me.
but what's happening this time is really haunting me.
i don't want to lose friends like u all.
I DON'T WAN TO KNOW THE THINGS THAT I KNOW.
i don't want to hide things from u all anymore.
how can i unload all the things that i know?
with you all around, my laughter seems more real to me.
no longer smile and laugh for the seek of hiding and faking
its real. laugh till i can't stand
laugh till i stomach cramp
laugh till i keep running to the ......
will that ever happen again?
i seriously have no answer to that

going out tmr

this few days had being feeling very tire. maybe because of working too much and stressing myself over my family problem ba....
and i start to wonder if i should give up on you anot.
i don't know what is my position to you.
i don't know am i good enough to be with you anot.
i don't know why am i waiting
i don't know if i should continue to wait anot.
for all i know just enjoy going out with you
for all i know i had being waiting for u for 6 months le.
i wonder how long more do i need to wait
i wonder what if i like someone else during this period, what shall i do (although i know this won't happen, but what if)

i'm ready to give up

this week, i'm going to give my one last chance. either together or i'll give up. i wonder, why am i so stupid, someone like me yet i'm willing to wait for someone i like? what am i feeling now? why am i also have the wrong 6th sense? today i sense the wrong wrong thing also. haizzzzzz... i really hope i can be with him

what am i suppose to do?

what am i suppose to do? i'm so lost now. flooded with family problem.. how much i wish i could should it with someone... going to move back home. will i be able to take it? how am i going to handle that little monster result. seeing her result really stress me lor. trust me, my sister will sure sms me this weekend de. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?
anyway, my job also doesn't goes well for me. next week i'll be going to the ward le. hopefully things will go better for me ba...
why is things always don't goes well for me? is it my problem or is it i'm just so unlucky?
something horrifying is that i still to have insomnia. is this a sign of depression, stress or its just not tire to sleep? whats happening around me?
i miss you.. really hope i can be....... really hope i can have someone to rely on.

finally i'm back

well i'm back to sg as schedule... jus a few hours delay that day.... never gana quarantine... next day sunday had a bad quarrel with my mum.... end up go cold storage to work with swollen eye. haiz... pathetic.... anyway, 11MAY 2009 my graduation day, the day i start work in TTSH... that day is really tire yet memorable... morning wake up at 630, went out at 715am... reach TTSH at 8... suppose to start work at 830 de... haha... i'm early leh... then orientation end at 1230 for us.... the rest have to go all the way until 5... anyway, after that i rush home, shower and out i go.... GRADUATION CEREMONY.... suppose to reach at 3pm de... the 220 then i left hse... cab down lor.... opn the way shan tell me she dun wan to go.... so worry she will not turn up... after all the 6 of us had work so hard for the 3 yrs really hope that we can take pics together la... after persuading, yea... she went... that day is really happy... my baobei aunt, my fourth aunt and my sixth aunt went... first time see my baobai smile so much... so sweet lor... haha... memorable day..... my first week of work at TTSH had ended... last week really tire.. so tire that i had intention to quit cold storage. but i feel so lucky to have so many ppl around me that i can pour my stress out... thanks kimfah, roger, xinyi, yenleng.... feel so much better after chatting with them,... cried last night... result from too stress ba,... haha anyway, i really enjoy my 9 days stays in aust... within 6 days drank 10 cup of bubble milk tea... haha... so nice... i miss the milk tea. i miss the pearlssss i miss the place... haha.. i'll be back there de.. be it study or holiday..... got to go le... tmr still have class... diabetes management... i'll jia you de... no matter how stress and how hard life will be, i'll take it as a challenge.

holidayssss

now i'm in aust... enjoying my holiday ba... its already the 4th day and i should say i enjoy today the most... haha.. went to happy cup bubble tea shop... my cousin open de... went there drink milk tea, look how they prepare the niceeeee pearl... i drank 1 and a half cup of milk tea lor... usually i dun like sweet talk de milk tea.. but the happy cup de milk tea is really very nice de.. haha..
for the past few days, i actually miss sg alot... miss the food, the ppl and the work there... should i say i'm crazy? last time wanted to come melbourne so much, but when i'm here i miss sg....

first day i'm here nothing much la... just went supermarket with aunt to buy grocery and etc... 2nd day my aunt brought me to dekain university...
3rd day(ytd) we went geelong, mornington and queencliff... nice place... haahaa

now what worries me the most is the stupid swine flu.... so worry that i might gana quarantine when i'm back to sg... if i really gana quarantine, i'll be doomed... 11 may i wont be able to start work... 11 may i wont be able to go for my grad ceremony.... omg... i really cannot gana quarantine sia.... HOW.....

i'm going off soon

so fast today monday le. should consider my last day in cold storage for my holiday ba.. tmr i need to settle many things then wednesday i'll be flying off to melbourne le. will be coming 9may.. then will be working on 10may... haha... yea...
9may back to sg,
10 may working cs
11may tan tock seng start work and graduation ceremony

omg... i'm crazy le.. thinking of not working in cold storage... will cold storage become like yoshinoya one day?
will i hate cold storage one day like how i hate yoshinoya now?

ok... most likely i'll disappear from blogging for 2 weeks or so... dun miss me ok everyone...:)

I HATE YOSHINOYA. WASTED MY 3 YRS WORKING SO HARD FOR YOU YET I DON'T GET ANYTHING. ALL I WANT IS TO GET BACK MY CERT. THE CERT BELONGS TO ME. WHY CAN I GET IT BACK. SINCE YOU ALL WANT TO INSIST TO FOLLOW THE POLICY, DON'T BLAME ME FOR DOING THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU ALL REGRET. TRUST ME,

i'm sick again...

few more days before my flight to australia. feel quite stress up.... just recieve an e-mail from aunt. realise that uncle paul knows nothing about my air ticket is full subsidize by aunt. the air ticket is not cheap. haiz... as the time gets nearer, the more i dun feel like going... just wish to stay in cold storage and work to earn money....

this few days again so many things happen... oh ya, i'm going to fight back my EXSA silver award cert from that woman. no matter what. since she knows that i graduate liao, i need to start my nursing job liao. there is no reason she keep on holding for that cert.. i'm not going to rely on those stupid manager. just telling me excuse and excuse. ronald is right. if i really wan my cert, i'll need to fight it back myself. relying on manager can die. today working in yoshi in the morning till 2pm.. really bad.. sales is like less then 400 until 2pm... around 380++ haiz... then worst is i'm having fever and headache.

yea... i fall sick again. and its before my trip again.. last time i fall sick also before i go redang... next week i going aust, i fall sick again. and its the chocolate fault again... CHOCOLATE.... arghhhh....

relationship is so irritating... the person i like never confess to me. yet, someone else just suddenly pop out and confess that he like me. let that someone else name H ba... dun want to expose his actual name... not that i dun like H.. but all along i just treat him as a good colleague who is very helpful and quiet... but then never never came across that he will like me... when i tell my 2 friends, they were laughing like siao ar... then ask my chief cashier for opinion, she also keep laughing la... first time see her laugh so much.... anyway, for this H, i really had to reject.... because i had no special feeling for him at all. regards him as a colleague only...
now i start to think back... why all those people that i once like/ like now, never have surprise.. instead, its those who is normal friends, suddenly confess to you... for example: roy, H, ube,
and those i once like never had any ending also... ET, JL, and now is EL... haiz... why must fate keep playing this kind of joke with me? and the best thing is EL and H has the same chinese name... too qiao le ba... hope everything will end soon and my prince will come and save me soon...

i went missing!!!

2 weeks i went missing again... either too busy to blog or too busy to blog lor. today is my mum and one of my secondary sch friend jun wei birthday... last friday meet up with tian, boon, rong and si sian. went east coast to celebration junwei birthday. had great fun at throwing flour.
anyway, thanks pig family for being there with me since secondary sch time.. the ba cho mee... hahaha... but somehow i find that junwei seems like difting away from us since he had a gf le...

then last sunday went back home to celebrate my mum birthday... everything was ok but i feel so stress up whenever i think of moving back to stay... as the days pass one day by one day, its nearer to stepping out the first step.

this month really finance crisis for me sia... rebonding, mother birthday cakes, transportations, seeing doctor because of my face and meals expenses..

this week will be busy working week again.. monday tuesday friday saturday and sunday cold storage, wednesday yoshi, thirday see doc at tampines again, saturday after work will be meeting him and go eat sakura...


i hope my pay will come faster....

i regret what i had done yesterday

so updatesss

wow... so fast, had being back from redang 3 weeks le... so busy working recently . yoshinoya and cold storage..... john had left yoshinoya le.... roger had left cold storage kovan becoming 01 at eastwood...

had being real busy handling 2 job at the same time. today us my OFFDAY... this week decide not to work yoshi... really tiring and i find that i dun help much lor. my productivity level compare to last time is much much lower and really no point working lor. so ya, take a break this week.

i'll be going australia on the 29apr-9may. so worry that i might miss esther birthday celebration...
i wonder, i had wanted to go Melbourne so much when i was secondary sch time. but why now i was given a chance yet i hesitate so much leh. haizzzzzz.

so many thingssss that need to be done
buy wallet
take stamps
visit my neighbour
tidy invoice
collect contact lens

got to go and do the things le.... byeeeeeee

I'M BACK!!!!

wow... so fast i'm back from redang for one week le. last thursday night finally arrive singapore safe and alive. the journey to redang and back to sg is really horrible. like what yunru said, its like drama. putting us at the wrong jetty, eating roti prata with EXTRA ingradient, waiting for the boat for 1 hour because we miss the previous boat. the journey back even more exciting. boat motor i think over heat and the go and open duno what, hot water splash out on the boat. so worry that the boat will sink la. best part is that day is my 21st birthday. what a nice day ar. so we reach the jetty at 1015am and the bus suppose to leave at 10am. on the boat worry that we will miss our bus. what a nice journey to and back.
anyway, had a great tiMe at redang, snokeling, eating(the food is really cheap), drinking, mahjonging, swimming. and thanks yun ru, ivan, connie adeline and jasmine for the birthday surprise. got to know jasmine during this trip. my impression of her really change and haha.. we click well..... i miss redang... i miss the coral, the food, the ice blended fruit juice, the drinksssss, the wind, the sun and everything in redang.
anyway, today recieve a e-mail from my aunt. i'mm be leaving sg again to Melbourne from 29apr to 8 may... haha. 9 days holiday... yes holiday again. but i start to fear many things again. hope that everything will go on smoothly ba.... got to go... will upload those pics taken at redang next time. I'M PISSED OFF BY MY PARENT. WHY MUST THEY KEEP THINKING IS MY AUNT WHO DONT WANT ME TO MOVE BACK? THE FACT IS MY AUNT IS PERSUADING ME TO GO BACK AND I'M THE ONE WHO DON'T ONE TO GO BACK. WHEN WILL THEY UNDERSTAND THIS? CAN'T THEY CHANGE THEIR MINDSET? IT HAS BEING SO SO SO SO MANY YEARS AND THEY ARE STILL THINKING THIS WAY. DO I REALLY STILL CARE FOR THEM? SO I REALLY STILL LOVE THE FAMILY?I DONT KNOW. THEY ARE JUST HURTING MY FEELING. ALWAYS...

redang here i comeeee

will be leaving for holiday to redang later... wow... have being looking for this for 1 mth plus le... finally the day come... i;m going to throw all my worries, all my problem aside and enjoy this 3 days... yeaaaaaaaahhhhh... hahaha

yesterday went home to celebrate my birthday.. everything goes quite well la..

will be back on thursday then i blog more abt the holiday ba....
i think i really fall in love with u this time... cant stop thinking of you

just let me grumble can?

everyone who is going to pass their 21st birthday should be look forward ba.. but why am i not? bothered by family problem again... yes.. again and again.. i should be immune to all the nonsense le ba. but.... i'm such a failure la.. i might need to move back.. here is the problems... will i be able to be a nurse after i move back? if yes, how to wash my uniform? will i be able to work the 3 shift? if yes, who will be taking the orders?

full of hopes and looking forwards for a new life. yet everything seems like going to be a dream again.. dreams coming true yet going to be impossible again.. so tire of life wor.. endless de..
i wish i could go back too. who will like to be alone, and keep asking friend for help. have a home yet seems like homeless.

Holidaysss

will be going to redang in 11 days time... yea... my first trip in my life and i'm so long forward for it la.. although only 4 days, but still make me so excited... but the bad think is i'm down with very bad cough.. 1 week plus le, but now its on recovery le.. hopefully before the trip i'll fully recover ba.
i'm having holidays now... my final holidays before i step into the working world and the next time i enter the ward, i'll working as a staff nurse le. no longer a student nurse.. wow...

yesterday went for TTSH interview.. everything went by smoothly. should be able to get the job... but i'm still scare.. will i be able to do a good job? will i be a good nurse? i dont know. anyway, hopefully i can go back to ward 7c ba..

cold storage is giving me lesser schedule.. so many ppl on hoildays now... xianyan, pujin, susanti... and me... wah.. so naturally me schedule is lesser lor. i want to give yoshi but then their pay is pathetic. most likely will find a job when i come back from holiday ba. wendy ask me go back mussels guys at vivo. but then should i? the place that bring so much of saddness. does it worth going back there to work?
shall think abt it when i come back ba...

finally come to the end.

so fast 3 years of poly student life is gone. suffering is over... haha... thinking back, for these 3 years i should say what i gain the most is getting to know this particular group of friends.... doing project together... making my poly life so colourful.
i should say thanks so much... whenever i'm feeling down u all will be there for me to cheer me up. i throw temper at u all, but u all will never get angry with me. haha... now thinking back, those memories are sweet and bitter.. thanks for being there for me... thanks for tahaning all my nonsense sometimes(i should say is most of the time ba) haha... really hope that even after grad, we can come out together...

MOoD sWinGGGG

all i want now is someone to chat with me. i just feel so irritated. so frustrated. yet....
i should say i'm very very disappointed with you. am i the one who had change? change to be more sensitive? i don't know.

you may not be reading this, you maybe reading this,. but i dun care. i need a spaces to vent it all out. i keep telling myself its not your fault. its me who is too sensitive and demanding for your time. but i realise i'm wrong. feel so so irritated by you now.

when friends need others, others will be there. but when others need friends, will they be there? i doubt so.............. i

yeahhh... tomorrow my last day in ED.. part 1 of my nightmare is over. part 2 will be coming next week. haizzzzz... operation threatre. streSS again... i think it will be colder then ED ba..... hope everything will goes well smoothly....

chinese new year had just pass. all i can say is this is a tiring and hard work year... since eve of new year eve till the second day of new year, i had been working non stop... i should say till now i still havent got a one day off ba... haha... i choose not to... why should i.... no work no $$ leh.... haha...

got to go to sleep le.. tomorrow moving half of my things to my sixth aunt house... yeah.. i'm moving again.... moving to bukit panjang.... and I"M GOING FOR A HOLIDAY THIS MARCH.... I"M SO LOOKING FORWARD FOR IT...... GOODNIGHT