why am i torturing myself?

Feeling tire.... drained.... lifeless.....
today geraldine sms me telling me that gede(an indonesian crew) will be transferring to taka... wednesday wioll be his last day... i'm so shock when i saw that sms la.. why? at first i thought i'll be going back on thursday... but need to change my plan to wednesday and thursday... will be drained out lor... wednesday 5- close yoshi, thursday 8-2 cold storage, 4-9 yoshi... i feel so tire... such a packed schedule.... i seriously need to get a plan for my work and studies ASAP... but i dun even have enough time to sleep how to have time to plan....
still have the research project which is really giving me problems... i want to do... but duno why i just find it hard to do... i mean i find it hard to understand rather.. able to find articles but just dun understand what i'm reading.... whats wrong with me? i seriously duno....

tireeeeeeeed

haiz... today is saturday... normally people will go out to enjoy themselves on saturday... but me? from 9am-11pm, i'm working.... why must i work? why can't i enjoy my weekend going out with my friend? why must i torture myself making myself so tire and lifeless.....

this thursday is labour day... i'll be starting to work at yoshinoya again... every thursay from next week onwards... that will mean, monday i'll be having hi club till 8.30, tuesday end class at 6pm, wednesday going NUH to do research project, thursday working after school, friday research project, saturday and sunday working at cold storage.... what is this? why my life must be so pack with things that i dont really wish to do?

today got new uniform from cold storage... they are changing uniform so at the same time i got 2 sets.... its so UGLY... really look like ITE student... and worst still its shirt and skirt.. haiz... will be having a hard time soon....

I WANT TO CHANGE MY BAD HABIT OF SLEEPING AND REFUSE TO WAKE UP... now i'm having a hard time every morning waking up... like to sleep back which end up most of the time missing lesson....

recently i find myself quite weird... i have a intention of moving back home.... i dont know why... just having the intention to do so.... i must be mad and out of my mind.. but i really miss them very much... my younger sister, my elder sister... and my parent... must be very shock ba... but i feel that they had change... will these change be permanent? no one knows...

my new hair cut is driving me crazy... it curls to badly until its so hard to handle la... getting more and more like a mop liao... omg.... haizzzzz...
got to go sleep liao.... very tire also.... goodnight

drained...

wondering why did i choose nursing did i choose a right course? am i prepared to take this course as my future career? this few days too many things happening silently around me and i'm observing... am i prepare to do these things over and over again for my career? taking care of patient, prepare them for procedure... giving medication, writing reports, discharge planning, follow doctors rounds... nursing is really not a easy job... everything start off as tough and it will turn easy as times went by... but why do i find it harder and harder? all the lecturer are like talking alien language... different type os surgical instrument... drugs..... i feel so lost.... sometimes i just feel like going to take a form and just sign it and withdraw myself from this course... i find myself not contributing at all.... where had that shuwan who love nursing gone to? a girl who like nursing so much to the extend of leaving house to pursue the course she want... yet why is she thinking of giving up now? working so hard for the past 2 years... now left one more year why can't she continue? where is all the motivation?

recently feeling really down... especially after the mussel guys chief sms.. wth lor... maybe because of this incident and the few incident in the past, i realise that i don't feel like getting into a relationship anymore... although i wish i can have someone with me when i'm down, but i realise that first, i don't have the time and second i don't have the trust. i thought this kind of feelings will change after some time, but given myself 1 month and 1 month had pass... maybe i can only have good friend and not those kind of friends ba.....

why am i so concern whether yoshi wan me to continue working anot... i can say that i'm just making myself so tire and sooner or later i'll break down... i know this will happen and i also know that i cannot let this happen because this is my final year and also my most important year. yet i'm giving yoshi every thursday 1-10pm working schedule... during the crucial year i'm going to risk it by holding 2 part time job... what i'm afraid is not my individual result. i'm more concern about the group project.. the research thingy and the ns5 and NSL integrated assignment... i'm so worried i will become a burden to them.....

will i be able to make it?
recently realise that no matter how much problem i'm facing, i'll just keep it to myself... i no longer have the urge to say it out and share with my friends... why? just because of CL, i had change to another person? back to the secondary school time where by i hide my feeling and thoughts? i dun like those kind of life where by needing to put on a mask to school everyday...
there are still people that i can trust around me de right?

last friday went to HS office to hand in some assignment... i saw janice... i ask her if my parent still call and find trouble for them a not... she say that my parent had stop calling them... and she added that she is very happy to see that i work hard and is in my third year of nursing... when she say this, i feel very happy and sad at the same time... happy is that i'm strong enough and had make my way through to year 3. but sad is that i'm having the idea of giving up... everything seems so endless... projectssss, assignment, workload.... weeks after weeks, doing projects, attending lecture and tutorial.... rushing for lesson... the feeling of giving up is so strong...... but i know i still need to continue and work hard..... i feel like giving up... there is no motivation in me anymore... not at all....

as for her, she still ever return me the full sum of $$... and i heard that she even borrow more $$ from auntie.... why? why must she do so? there is something she is hiding from me, yet when i ask, she say no... she didn't even tell me that she had stop work..... today during one if the lesson, we debates on dual income family.... there was one sentence i truly agree.... money cannot buy happiness... to you, is money really that important? do money really matters to you more then your integrity?

haizzzz... hao la... some happy things that had happen today... we had a presentation and everything went on quite smoothly....
tomorrow i'll be going for a haircut... maybe a haircut will be better for me... but for sure wont cut too short yet cause i need to wait for my brother wedding dinner.. after that then i cut short ba... tomorrow most likely only trim and cut only a bit shorter ba....

shall end here le.... tomorrow i have one hour lesson for the whole day... because the research haven't started... so tomorrow my class start at 10, end at 11... after that will be going to meet mei and do all the things that i need to do... :) all the consolidation and time management.... after tomorrow, i'll be a more organize person le ba...
k la, i got to stop here already... good night everyone:)

i no longer looking forward for you to add me... i had given up... even if you add me now, i won't be bother to read... just because..... i dun care abt u anymore...

unlucky day

today work 10-11 at cold storage... nothing much... just plan unlucky the whole morning... then in the evening time, i saw him (CL).... really duno how to say.. duno how to smile at him.. feel so fake.. he ask how am i there.. really feel like telling him that at least at cold storage there is not as many hypocrite as in yoshi... force myself to smile to him is a torturing part.....
now looking through ns5 project.. wont update much... shall update another day...
today i'm really unlucky... tmr i work 11-1030.. hope everything will goes well ba

endless problems, endless worries

so long i never update le... really busy with tonnes of things that should be done earlier...
holidays ended... school started... got our project topic, and start to worry a lot. this time round, since it is our last major project, i shall put in all my effort and not rely on my project mates anymore, i'll learn to be more independent... other modules project also start to pour in... this weekend i really need to go through and see all the deadlines.... year 3 will be the toughest year... it will also be my final year... next year at this time, i believe and hope that i'll be rwritting my resume and going for interview....
updates on my part time jobs... firstly yoshinoya... i just can't understand myself why am i so soft hearted.. so much things had hurt me.. that sunday i saw this person from bugis at kovan after i work... shall name him as CL.. he is a very nice guy and we gets along very well after one incident that happen at bugis while i was attach there.. i also trust him, believing that he is not the sort that will gossip... but after today, i know that he is wearing a mask. he saw me that day at kovan and we had a very nice talk. about 1 hour plus.. i tell him all my unhappiness at yoshinoya. he told me that if i want he can help me to tell apple(a area in charge and store in charge of bugis) to transfer me to bugis.. but i told him that i had decide to leave and even if i want to stay, i'll stay at great world city.. then after that, i think Monday or Tuesday, john called me to tell me that the service excellence course will be 5 may and he ask me if i'll be attending. i told him i'll be attending la. then today i call geraldine. what i heard really shock me. belinda got to know that i want to resign. she also know that i'm working at cold storage. what shock me isn't this.. what shock me is that she heard that from apple.. i regret knowing another hypocrites. i hate that.. apple say that she saw me at kovan working. but i know the truth is that CL went to tell her... maybe CL is just another person in yoshi who like to lick the manager boots ba... i hate this kind of ppl. in order to get promoted, gossip and get ppl into trouble. haizzzzz... then ger say when i return, i'll be standing in kitchen.. i feel like telling her that no need already.. all i'm waiting for now is just the certs that belongs to me. those certs that i deserves to get last year. i feel like sms her and tell her that now what i want is just to help her out in the counter and i no longer waiting for crew leader. as usual, after belinda know that i want to quit, she ask geraldine not to let me quit.. i just feel very... last time when i want to quit, she told me that i can transfer back with geraldine. and i got transfer after 2 months.. i'm fine with it. now i want to resign u gave me another offer saying that want to promote me... i just want to let u all know that what i want now is no longer the position. i got use to cold storage and i'm happy there. anyway, i'm going to give them once a week schedule with 6 hour working hour.. nothing more... just to keep my names there and get the awards:)
cold storage is a very challenging place to work. although its tough, but its challenging. and the main thing is i can see that the people there appreciate me. they treat people equally... i started my own counter and the second day, i'm out of the service counter already... so happy... but working there is really busy de:) but i like it... heehee...
this semester time table got 3 days 8am lesson per week.. i really hope that i'll not be late for 8am lesson... shall end here and continue tidying my room.... goodnight...

japanese visit

today was a busy day. start work at 830... prepare coleslaw.. after that standby counter till the japanese come. at first i thought if no customer, as what geraldine had planned yesterday, i'll go for mailers. however things change. belinda was there before i reach. then when mdn kho clock in at 9 plus, both of us were at the counter... then beelinda ask mdn kho to give mailer. then i thought maybe later will switch ba. then when mdn kho came back from the mailers, she serve customer and collect payment on one hand. belinda saw this and told geraldine that i will permanent stay at counter and mdn kho will continue mailers till customer comes in. mdn kho face was so black la. then japanese did the PQC (product quality check). service 100%. nearly can't get 100% cause mdn kho collect payment and return change with one hand. but manage to get the 100% because both of us did suggestive selling. was so happy.. 100% leh... then dinner time, john told mdn kho to stand lobby. her face immediately become black again. really black lor.. then she even try to top up things at the counter. she is really so fake. then she stand the the door, talking and talking and talking to lai. end up lobby and dishwash only have one person doing one man show. she just pretend to give mailers, walk here walk there but not walking to the lobby. really can't stand her.

anyway, today i told geraldine about my decision to leave. john knew that also because he came out and just nice i was talking to geraldine about that. john did not get angry. no one know that real reason why i'm leaving. john is very understandable. he told me that people will goes for the better prospective job. i appreciate it alot for his understanding. geraldine could not accept the truth that i want to resign. in fact she was angry and disappointed. she try her best to ask me to stay. but i told her that i had found a job and even before i go fond a job i did hint her a lot of times. she just told me that she didnt get the hint and she is really busy. just now on the way home, she even tell me things like before 1 thing can be done, sometimes, other things need to be done first. i got the hint but just pretend that i didnt know. then she say, she knows i want to be a crew leader but before being a crew leader i need to attend course and get verify for kitchen first. but she never know that the mean thing is i dun want the post. i just want the increase in my pay for getting verify for counter. 5 months had past since i counter verify. still at that pathetic pay. she also duno that what i want is to be treated fairly. i can't get along with mdn kho. geraldine know that but the things she ask me to do is so much more then mdn kho. lobby mailers... i can hardly touch the counter the whole afternoon. but all mdn kho did was stand at the counter, waiting for customers. so much things i feel like tell her and john but i realise that i can no longer trust her. i wonder why is there such a big in me. she use to be one of the manager i trust the most. yet now everything that i tell her, i'll think twice.

something to be happy of today... the japanese remembered me.. he told john and geraldine that he saw me at harbourfront and why am i at great world city... haha... something to be proud of ba.. haha...

shall end here.. got to go sleep liao. tomorrow another stressful day because japan yoshinoya president might be coming down to great world city.... will do my best for tomorrow. and tomorrow will be my last day. so much feelings.... but i know i got to let go one day. good luck to myself. i'll do my very best tomorrow de... goodnight

tortouring myself

so many days i had went missing. this week is full of excitement for me. taken my step out... i started a new job... yeah yeah... cashier at cold storage. although it is really tough remembering the code for different vegetables and fruit. but i'll continue to work hard and memorise de. wow, this coming tuesday i'll start doing cashier myself. no more packer and no more using janis counter le. i'll have my own counter... really looking forward. although at time i still miss .... but after what happen today, i realise that my heart is dead. in yoshinoya, my heart is dead...

really so mad until i cry just now. i start work at 12.. took 1 hour break at 2. then start at 245. by right i can go home @ 9pm because tmr japanese visit. but i tell them i'll help out till 10 because just now down rice and alot of customer. At 10, i told lai that i want to go back. then she say i need to finish the housekeeping before i can go. cleaning the glass door, mirror, and the signboard..... tmr i work at 9 leh. what is going on i just be good girl and extend 1 hour yet u are wanting more. i can't stand this.. this is too much... another thing that mad me real mad is i told geraldine my schedule for this weekend and tell her to confirm with me again yesterday. yet, i'm still the on who need to take the initiative to call and ask her. am i really that important to her? until now my name is still under central. who bother to make the amendment? no one. really going mad. why must she try her best to take me to great world city yet now, i'm just like a stray dog. no sense of belonging at all. name under central, working at great world, sometimes being attach to bugis... i try my very best to work hard hoping that i can get the chance to go kitchen. yet the harder i work, what i did in the end? MAILER MAILER AND MAILER... so many times i say i want to go for chicken and beef seminar. you know that march i have attachment yet you intend to put my name for the seminars. i told u april i want to go yet it seems like... well u did not register me for the courses again.
times and times i told myself not to blame you cause you are tire and busy. how many times can i tell that to myself? i'm tired... really sick and tire. going to work knowing that i can only do counter lobby and mailer. have being doing this for 2 years plus. i had enough of it le. this time, there is nothing that can change my decision. i dun want to learn kitchen anymore. i dun want to be crew leader. i'll give up the chance of getting service excellent silver award. i'll give up the cert for the course that i had attend. you knew that i can't get along with mdn kho, yet u asking me to give mailer only. why cant u ask us to go. take turns to go. why am i the only one doing counter cum lobby cum mailer? why am i the one doing housekeeping and she dun need to do? are u fair to me? no you are not. there is no way i will change my mind this time. to you, maybe only the indonesian crew is the most impt ba. i'm nothing to you.

very tire le. shall stop here.. goodnight